sorry, man. That was a little shrill.

Obviously somebody trapped me in their car with this crap a couple of nights ago. They should use it at Gitmo.

Now, fuckin' David Sanborn...


Jesus Fucking Christ, Thank God for Punk.

Oh, my fucking god. Just look at this psycho ASSHOLE. Jaco Fucking Pastorius. IMAGINE trying to have a conversation with this pus bag about anything but HIMFUCKINGSELF. What a ass.

I say let's take up a collection for th' Angel Of Merciful Death that descended on this Ruiner in Miami that fateful night and shivved him betwixt his crummy shoulderblades. Was it the same Samaritan that rid th' world of Dimebag Darryl once 'n' for all? I suspect strongly that it was.

Look, I know this fucking shit ain't a hill of beans right now what with the Rapture comin' down from those squinty little sandmonkeys and Hymies out there in th' Godless Mideast. But in a way it is important. Why? Well, because as far as I'm concerned Jaco Pastorius stands as guilty of Ruining Everything as six fucking Sam Waltons and a Rove 'r' two. What a fucking tosser.

I'm going to say this right now and put it to rest. I sincerely hope to fuck that this little muddier of musical waters isn't in Heaven's Rock Band because if he is right now he's stepping on some poor musician's toes. It's BASS, Jaco! It's BASS. IF YOU REALLY NEEDED TO TAKE TH' HEAD SO FUCKING BAD WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP ONE OF THOSE STUPID "SOLO" INSTRUMENTS LIKE THAT KENNY G SHIT THAT YOU BLOW INTO AND YOUR EGO COMES OUT ALL FLOWERY?

God damn it I don't have TIME for this. I'm in the middle of a fucking million-night run with God DAMN Soulfinger and I have to be in another fucking TIME ZONE in like six minutes. Fuck! Sic Semper Egotismus, baby.

It's BASS, Jacoff. It's BASS. Fucking WEATHER REPORT, MAN. Oh, my GOD. yeah, the fucking SPYROGIRO! The god damn YELLOWJACKETS. Oh, they're MINDBLOWING. MINDBLOWING.


Team sport, Jaco. Team sport, Stankey Clarke. Fucking jackoffs. I'll tell ya what's good- the first Eminem album. I shit you not. Trust me. Listen to it. Why? It's funnier than SHIT. It's like The Mothers. I shit you not. I can NOT take it outta the cassette in m'car. I keep trying. I'm like, hmmmmm...maybe some nice White Album. Hmmm...maybe some nice Roxy.

I'm going to listen to Th' Marshall Mathers LP again. I surprise myself. But I thought about it and came up with this- here is a guy who is actually as angry as me. And he puts it through the Bullshit Grinder and comes out with yucks for you and me. Yucks.

How many yucks are you going to get from listening to fucking JACO PASTORIUS FRETLESS IT UP FOR THE DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO THINK HE'S COOL?

Fucking weather report. Jesus. Fucking Zawinul. What an idiot. Jesus Christ. I can't figure it out- I LOVE King Crimson. I can't figure it out. Is it attitude? Is it taste? I can't put my finger on it. My calloused finger from twennyfour years of using the fucking bass for what it's MEANT FOR.

I've had people motion to me before to take a bass solo. First time I shake my head. They keep it up I UNPLUG THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND I GO TAKE A PISS AND GET A FUCKING DRINK. NOBODY AND I MEAN NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT SHIT. yeah, fire me. Please fire me.

I don't want to wind up with a blade between my shoulders from the Righteous Avenging Angel of Music. I don't need it. Now I have to go.

Fucking Jaco. Little dead squid.


Hey Kid$! Let's All Practice Our American Writing!

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Ach Du Lieber, Polenschmoken! Das Orchester von Suse Reue Auf Deutsch! Arschlechern!

Ja, mein schonen freunden! Jetzt wissen ihn das Bobby Lichtenfuss kan auf Deutsch gutt sprechen! Aber nur fur den Vaterland, Arschlochen! Und ohne umlauten das ich habe nicht kennenzulernen wo sie sind an dem Tastatur!!

Heute ist den Montag und ich habe prepariert fur zeinVergnügen Der "Nazi-American-German Dictionary"! Aber schon, Sitzpinklern (BTW that means "men who piss sitting down").

O.K., hier ist der Nazi-American-German Dictionary fur euch:

Shock And Awe- "Blitzkrieg".

Guantanamo- "Bergen-Belsen"

Stay The Course- "Arbeit Macht Frei"

Bush Election Victory 1- "Kristalnacht"

Florida Recount- "Berlin Bier Putsch"

George Bush- Adolf Eichmann

Dick Cheney- Adolph Hitler

Karl Rove-
Herman Goerring

Ann Coulter- Leni Riefenstahl

Iraq- Poland

Iran- Czechoslovakia

USA- Die Arianischer Vaterland

Middle Class- Juden

Muslims- Juden

Artists- Juden

Liberals- Die Uberjuden

Fox News- Zyclon B

Der Fuhrer- David Addington

Heil Hitler, meinen compatrioten! Ach du polenschmoken lieber, sitzpinklern!

Soulfinger Diaries: Some Big Festival, East Hampton CT 7.7.06

A sea of faces, a 13-piece band, a Shure SM86 condenser, a straight stand. The bracing slap of cold tequila. Hot black pleather against my skin.

Head to toe, baby.