Dr. Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #5

Oh, my dear, dear friends! So many searching in th' wilderness for Answers and Wisdom! Please to know you have come to the right place! For I am Dr. Devendra and I possess a degree in Rock Medicine.

Let us begin!








Dear Dr. Devendra:

For more than 30 years I have sung for a "progressive rock" band that has become more ponderous as the years have worn on and our bass player has come to look more and more like Bea Arthur. Despite our affirmative attitude and name, our fans are rapidly dying off, victims of the LSD therapy you prescribed to them throughout the '70s.

My question to you is: When will my voice finally change? I'm sick of singing like a girl.

- Jon "I wanna be a" Manderson



My Dear Jon Masterson;

I am thanking you for your letter and am assuring you that the answer is there for you, my searching friend.

One has only to search towards the back of one's BVD undergarments! You will find there a small number. Seek in the Walmart for BVDs which display a number which is four higher than the current number.

Also, if at all possible may I humbly suggest a reduction in the amount of manly discharge that you consume? This may also balance your chi and aid in the lower of singing.

Tell th' Moondog! Tell th' March Hare!

Peace upon you,

Doctor Anoush Devendra





Dear Doctor Devendra,

I "died of natural causes" back in '71. My band kind of sucked, and I was textbook asshole.

I think I'm ready for a comeback.

My question is, will it play in Peoria?

- Name Witheld, but this blind Puerto Rican dude liked one of our songs...


My Dear Mystery Comeback Friend;

All signs point to Yes!

I suggest only the liberal application of kohl and foundation to counter the effects of 32 years of decomposition which can be offputting in the place of Ohio, while it will be yet another boon in urban centers.

I would suggest to you for to market the comeback as a "Goth" styling.

The blessings of Shiva upon you!

Dr. Devendra




Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm a blonde socialite with the body of an cokebinging model and the face, well, of a multimillionaire. But despite all my red carpet appearances and starfucking, I can't seem to get my pop music career off the ground. Do you think it's about time I brutally murdered my sister in the bloodiest way possible, claim to have been brainwashed by Chuckles Manson, and start cutting records from Chowchilla?

Yours truly,

"Heiress Pilton"

Ah, my Dear Ms. Pilton;

Never, truly, do the worthwhile things easily come. Aside from that one fellow in your wonderful video. I hope it was warm and flavorful.

I am receiving queries for which I feel a woeful inadequacy, for you see, I am a Doctor Of Rock, not an agent or manager. I might suggest a redirecting of career-related questions to my colleague Depresh Depresosandragupta who is wise in th' ways of the Rock Career.

For you, dearest Heiress, I offer this advice only: offer, in your music package, a coupon which bestows upon the purchaser the opportunity to bestow upon your face his manly essence. I suspect, though I am no ex-spurt, that this will boost your sales and also your aura.

I believe you can extrapolate the price of my counsel!

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor



Dear Dr. Devendra,

I've just started attending Rock Rock Rock Rock Rock N Roll High School and my older brother said I have to pretend to like Sonic Youth and Nirvana if I want to be cool. But I'd much rather listen to my Lemon Pipers and Archies records.

Do I really have to pretend 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is one of the 10 greatest singles of all time when I think it's not a patch on 'Yummy Yummy Yummy'?

Yours twuly scwuptiously,
Billy Arse-Kicking-Waiting-To-Happen Jr.

Greetings and Salutions Billy Arse!

Again, my dear friend, I am in over your head.

However, there is a simple fact which should help you not receive the kicking of arse but rather a loving and skilled tonguing of it. And that is this, dear friend:

Anyone to pretend the loving of "Teen Spirit", I know from higher sources, will bathe in The Lake Of Curry.

You are a living, breathing organism on This Wonderful Spaceship Earth.

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor




Dear Dr. Devendra:

I have taken my moderately pleasant voice, unimaginative phrasing, cliched mannerisms stolen from Sinatra, and the singing of tired workhorses from Tin Pan Alley and wedded it to my blandly handsome looks - which older women find inexplicably souful in photographs. This combo has sold millions of records and made me wealthy.

Still, I feel like a sham and contemplate taking the pipe. What can I do to stop these suicidal urges?

Thanks in advance,
M. Bubbly



My Dear Michael;

Yes, I have in fact heard you of singing, my friend. All I can think to say in this matter is that sometimes not all urges are to be overcome or ignored.

Sometimes, in fact, these urges can boost sales when carried out, ensuring the surviving family members a healty retirement.

As you youngsters are so fond of saying! Go for it!

Sincerely,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.




Dear Dr. Dervish,

I have a large private collection of anatomical castings. Would your institute entertain receiving the collection as a contributiuon?
What would its value be for tax purposes?

Smokingly yours,
Cynthia C. P.

Dear Miss Cynthia;

My foundation would be very, very grateful for the donation of these castings. For tax we will give you large receipt.

Please to send Jimi Hendrix, Bobby Lightfoot and Otis Redding UPS Ground. All others you may send air COD. Please to pack Brian Wilson and Andy Summers in well-cushioned matchbox.

Gratefully yours,

Dr. Devendra, Rock Doctor.

Dr. Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #4

Dear Dr. Devendra-

My mother threw away my Kiss 8-tracks when I was a wee lad, citing subliminal backwards-masked satanic messages. However, I still totally rock out any time I hear "Detroit Rock City." If I accept Jesus Christ as my personal trainer, would my indulgent awe for Kiss disappear?

Respectfully,
-Patrick Hillman

Dear Mr. Patrick;

Allow me if I may to be poetically waxing at this time, my dear, dear young man. The mountains may crumble to sea, the oceans may dry up and disappear, but the love of a young man for The Greatest Band In History will never, never die. Be of excellent cheer, dear boy, and remember- it is only the music that mummy throws away that is of good music.

The music of the spheres.

P.S. May I suggest for the purchasing of Kiss box set and crystal meth? We must live every moment as it may is the last.

Not That I Would Condone Or Consider Such A Thing But This Is How I'd Fucking Kill Judith Regan

Oh, yeah- Bobby here guesting on my bud Anoush's new blog or whatever.

Did you ever have a pair of white levis? I used to wear those a lot in th' day. Still do from time to time. Before Labor Day.

Bleach those fuckers hard enough and all the stitches come out.

Not That I Would Ever So Much As Ponder It, But This Is How I'd Kill Rupert Murdoch

Yeh, I'd perform some kindness to some unfortunate in front of him and let apoplexy and hard ol' arteries do the rest.

What as filthy, wretched, rotten old shit bag.

I did this thing to fuckin' Phillip Savoy in 7th grade where I pulled his glasses off and stomped them in front of him. I'd do that to Rupe. But see, I'd stomp him and make the glasses watch.

Not That I Of Course Ever Would, You Understand, But This Is How I'd Kill O.J. Simpson

It would probably be something with electricity. No fun, those watts. Somethin' householdey, you know? None of this 50 amp instant shit. A nice, slow, roasting 20 amp 110 V thing. Maybe beat his head with a big plugged-in toaster, then shove it in his ear and pour a bucket of chilled piss on him.

Even that seems sort of mild.

This guy is all of our worst instincts and compulsions rendered flesh. He's like a big Reality Star on The Satan Channel.

I'd be THIS FUCKING SURPRISED if O.J. is president some day. This country is just that in need of nuclear annihilation. Hey, fuck you, you know? All I did was say it. It's not my fucking fault this place needs to be erased from history from 1979 on.

1959.

If th' toaster fits, you must acquit.

Dr Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #3!

Dear Dr. Devendra;

Bobby Lightfoot here. You have guided down the path to rock and roll health many times and I appreciate it to no end.

I remember how you counseled me on my '98 tour when I decided to health up on th' road and I started jogging every morning in cuban heeled boots. Your suggestion that I not attempt this undertaking without getting good and stoned first was excellent.

Also greatly appreciated was the time I had problems with my voice and you suggested the pre-show Tequila Gargle. This has aided me on many, many occasions. Last week.

This evening I come to you with another vexatious issue with which I trust you can assist me. After four back-to-back shows the last four nights I decided to undergo a lovely and relaxing root canal today. It was bad, doctor. It was very bad. I was in the seat for three hours and I recieved six shots of novocaine, one directly in the roof of my mouth which was unpleasant to say th' least.

I'm not ashamed to say that I excused myself whilst this last one set in, went to the restroom and sobbed like a little girl. During this exercise I had three of those little things you use to spear corn on th' cob jammed deep into each root of the offending tooth so I had to jam a roll of toilet paper into my mouth so as not to bite down and send the corncob things into my brain as I wept.

Anyway, enough of this drama. I'm on th' mend and hope to return to full crappo rock 'n' roll health real soon. Yes, I've been doing the back exercises to help my ruined back each day as I drive for seven hours. They seem to be helping. And the extra-strength Zantac has been a godsend for my ravaged diaphragm. I'm breathing fire at a far less alarming rate and my vocal cords seem to be on th' mend after many years of stewing in delicious stomach acid.

Here's th' question: tomorrow I have to do a seven hour video shoot far away in Cromwell CT. Live, no synch. I'm concerned that my spirit may flag from th' pounding pain of my fresh root canal as I enter hour five of singing take after take of "Hard To Handle" in th' key of C.

Suggestions?

Your long-time disciple in Rock Medicine,

Bobby Lightfoot


Dear Bobby;

It is wonderful indeed to hear that you continue to find inspiration for your music in true Rock Suffering. You are a wonder to behold.

I will be brief as we have covered this issue before during your first and second root canals. Just remember this, my rock and roll friend- you pulled through those two with flying colors, even after the poorly installed crown from root canal number one sheared off two weeks ago, taking most of your remaining tooth with it, leaving a decayed stump with metal pins protruding into your mouth.

Candy and fighting, my friend. Fighting and candy. I'm glad you finally gave them up. Fighting and candy are the enemy of your teeth. I was very proud when you told me the tale of putting off that biker in Panama City FL by telling him you'd gladly pound him but that you did not have Dental at the time. This was wise, and more importantly, amusing to your Dr. Devendra.

Take heart, Bobby! And take liquor. Here in my native India we have a saying that may resonate for you tomorrow as you bravely venture forth: Thai Stick Is The Enemy Of Pain. And furthermore, do not mix your antibiotics with reflux medication as it renders the antibiotic ineffective. I would suggest, since food is bound to create excess stomach acid, that you do not indulge in the eating of it but rather stick with a strict regimen of Tequila and cigarettes. Also, if the tooth pain flares up may I suggest a liquid solution of cocaine and saltwater? It is an excellent gargle and will numb you up better'n a cystern full of Nembutal.

On second thought, perhaps you should include a cystern full of Nembutal in your kit tomorrow. Rock on, Bobby. Shiva loves you. And remember: there's nothing you can do that can't be done!

Namaste--------------Dr. Devendra

Dr Devendra: Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #2!

My friends, my friends, my heart is warmed by your many queries and by your trust in my skills. I have, in fact, a degree in Rock Medicine, and will now address your many concerns.

Let's begin!


Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm regularly filled with what I thought was an itchy, burning need to create, but when i do, it resembles some kind of discharge of pus. Is it possible I have an STM? (Sonically transmitted mediocrity)

Whole Lotta Love,
Abbey Rhodes


Dear Abby;

Allow me first to tell you I feel your pain, dear boy. Or girl. There are answers!

My friend, you need to discorporate from your ego! Must I tell you the invaluable value of mediocrity in modern music? You have a gift many would kill for!

I'm prescribing LSD for you, my young friend. As much as you can fit on your tongue. This will aid in removing your ego from you. Secondly, it will serve as a sort of psychic antibiotic which should clear up the infection and you will be able to cash in on your newly pusless discharge! It has worked many times in the '60's and '70's. Rock on, Abbey.

Sincerely, Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Doctor Devendra,

Last night I had sex with several heavily inked and pierced goth groupies (mostly female)in a parking lot behind the 7-11 near where my gig was. I think one of them was about 9 months pregnant.

Am I screwed if she claims I'm the father and makes me get DNA tested?


Dear Soundsurfr;

Allow me to extent my congratulatory congratulations on your bedding of goth groupies! I trust your discharge was satisfactory and that they were tight like anus of man and not like wizard sleeve. I would say your problem is dealt with easily indeed, in two quick steps!

First, you must bathe in cornstarch and a weak solution of lye and water to remove the many ounces of mascara that you no doubt have now upon you. Secondly, I am going to prescribe as for Abbey Rhodes a solution of LSD and more LSD. Why, you ask? This will surely scramble your DNA so as to render it impervious to testing! I would worry more that the child within could have been impregnated than the mother, you see.

So many problems, my friends.

And so many happy answers!!

Loving All,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Dr. Devendra,

For years I played rhythm guitar and sang in a reasonably successful pop combo. Several years after my retirement, I experienced a sudden gaping hole in my flesh and the anguished shrieking of my recently reconciled Japanese wife.

Is this something I need to get checked out?

All You Need Is Gloves,
Winston O'Boogie



Dear Mr. Winston;

I believe I remember your work and that it was special. My countrymen wish to thank you for helping my country of India achieve our current superpower status with your endorsings! Also, you were right-my old cohort Th' Maharishi was making The Beast With Two Backs with many, many. Including making the Beast With Three Backs, Two Of Them Farrow.

I would not worry overly about your complaint. I would prescribe a nap. A dirt nap.

And please to tell your son Sean to consider the career of rock dentistry.

Much regards and respects,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.




Dear Dr. Devendra,

I'm a composer of repellent modernist orchestral music, long-winded guitar soloist, performer of songs about polymorphous perversity, menstruation and mud-sharks, political gadfly, and a prolific, demanding bandleader in the LA area. Recently I've noticed a swelling in my groin, accompanied by difficulty urinating and bloody stools.

Should I be worried?

I Promise Not to Come In Your Mouth,
Tmershi D'ween

Dear Sir Tmershi;

Know you that in my land your name means "Yellow Snow"? This is an honor rare and beautiful. Your problem is multi-pronged, much like our god Shanka. The swelling in your groin I would advise to treat with the flowering Yoni plant that grows on the hillsides of your Hollywood Hills in great number. The problem to urinating will be corrected upon the swelling going down.

The bloody stools I would advise only sitting upon stools that are right-side up, dear friend.

Rock on! And thank you for the not coming in the mouth! Surely you are a master of Tantra.

All We Are Is Dust In The Wind,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor.




Dear Dr Devendra,

I'm a hugely popular rock star just diagnosed with inoperable cancer of the spleen. Since I've been given only 3-6 months to live, my question is this:

Is there a rock 'n' roll heaven? Cause, if there is, you know they've got a helluva band.

Sincerely,
Guitarzan


Dearest, Dearest Guitarzan;

I am saddened to hear upon your condition. Furthermore, with great pain I announce it that the band is not so great for upon drums is Karen Carpenter.

Answers I have! Now you must go kill a few innocents, rape some youngsters and endorse your president Bush that upon your parting you may go to the place with the Good band.

In the meantime I prescribe fifty grams of Angel Dust, to be taken one gram daily. This should help with your quest.

Never give up! Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow!

Sincerely,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor





Dear Doctor Devendra,

I am the lead singer in a popular music combo. My friends have mentioned that my popular music combo's slide from greatness to self-parody to mediocrity might be due to my jet-set lifestyle and my partner's drug taking. Can you shed some light?

Regards,
Sir "Cocksucker Blues" Jagger


Hellow Blueball Cocksucker!

Please allow me to instroduce myself! Ha, ha.

Many greetings! I refer you to my answer to Fender Rhodes above. Mediocrity is its own reward!

I am no seer but I suspect your mediocrity is a boon to your checkbook, is not so?

If you are feeling poorly, may I in fact suggest the infusion of the blood of many infants?

Rock on! Rock off! Rock on, rock off----------the Rocker.

Sincerly,

Doctor Devendra, Rock Doctor

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?

Mel Schacher is a little bitch who uses ultralight picks and huffs oxygen between every fuckin' song.







Why not dig a cool bass player like Pete Farndon from Th' Pretenders?

Guy died with a spike in his arm in 1981.

Like a fucking MAN.

Dr. Devendra: Rock 'n' Roll Medical Consultant Extraordinaire!

Dear Dr. Devendra;

I am a 41 year-old singer and piano player and I spend a lot of time playing R&B for middle-aged punters on th' make.

I was recently given a script of Amoxicyllin to protect a broken tooth from infection while I await treatment. I'm to take three of these tablets a day, one every eight hours.

I've realized that I take the two later doses each with a large pop of tequila. The first one I take with coffee when I arise in the early afternoon. Should I be concerned that I'm counteracting the effects of th' antibiotic with hard liquor? Or with the realization that I am drinking it regularly and in appreciable quantities?

Thanks!

Bobby




Dear Bobby;

No, that's fine.

Bottoms up!

Dr. D



Dear Doctor Devendra;

I'm a hard-drivin' bass player who spends his nights rockin' and his days drivin'. I've noticed that I can put away 4 or 5 Camel Straights every time th' band takes a fifteen minute break.

Should I be concerned?

Oh- there's a big lump on my neck.

Thanks for your time!

-Ace



Dear Ace;

No, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Shaving can cause ingrown hairs that result in large masses in the neck area. Cigarettes have actually been proven to contain many beneficial vitamins, according to a recent Phillip Morris study. And they are helpful in digestion.

Smoke on up!

Dr. Devendra



Dear Dr. Devendra;

I'm a guitar player with a loud rock band. Lately I've noticed ringing in my ears that occurs constantly and interrupts my sleep. Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

Joey


Dear Joey;

Ah, yes. The ringing in the ears is generally attributed to overly-quiet environments. It's nothing to worry about.

Cheers!

Dr. D


Dear Doctor Devendra;

I'm a blind heroin addict piano player. Some of the guys in the band like to fuck around with me and replace the smack in my shaving kit with Borax or baking soda. So far I've been lucky because when I cook it down it gives off an acrid odor that clues me in that something's off. Should I be worried that I might blast a big glob of dish soap into my veins?

Appreciate it!

-Ray



Dear Ray;

Nope, nothing to worry about.

Bye!

Doctor D

P.S.: I encourage any of the readers to post their own medical questions for me. I have a degree in Rock Medicine.