Yeeeahh. Ho ho ho.
I was searching for gifties today amongst th' Missing Linx in aisle two and was amazed and excited by all th' options. Try growin' up in the third world and not walking through this culture in a haze of disgust and shame. Try it, droogsters. Like a bee sting that never stops. Like a Kenny G carol that never stops farting and blatting its hideous keening mating call to th' female of the species. Actually, I take that back. All our kids is growing up in th' third world as we speak.
Here comes excitement, my friends! Right down Santa Claus lane!
Up first we have:
The iPod Ass Attachement:
Heyyy...exciting that! Slides right up the ol' cheddar expressway, don't it? Whole new meaning to th' term "subwoofer". Ha. Get me THREE or you DON'T LOVE ME.
Next up, we have th' certainly no-less hypnotizing
iPod Credit Card
WOOOAAAHHH! Looks like a credit card! Swipes like a credit card! But it's so much motherfuckin' more! It plays SO MUCH BAD MUSIC!
It plays THE MOST BAD MUSIC. THAT MEANS IT'S THE BEST!
no other device yet devised plays MORE BAD MUSIC. Music that sells every manner of appliance and personal hair removal device! You can set it so when you swipe it at the automated teller TM, well, boy oh boy if it doesn't just play you a li'l Regina Spektor number. She's so talented! And she grew up in a Communist Country so her story is one of overcoming TREMENDOUS ODDS to bamboozle you with her mediocrity. Regina Spektor. She's like a fucking sleeping aid. Jesus. And that psycho uncle Phil of hers from Laurelstan.
They're moving like hotcakes in places like China and India but we'll have to wait a while here in the Old Country.
Hey, look! Look at THIS crap. It's the iPod iNfant. Look- mommy's pausing her new Killers cd so's what she can breastfeed.
th' iNfant is great because you can plug it right into your USB port and download all manner of corp'rate advertising for your delectation. The headphones are located on the inner thighs so it looks like you're giving little snuggums a shoulder ride but you're actually listening to that SWINGIN' new "emo" band. Dashboard Vomitorium. Man, they rock. They're my faves. Right after that other Beefheart of th' teen set, The Fray. Bleagh. Only thing good about th' Fray is that the singer is going bald. It makes it easier to deal with the fact that everyone dies someday. And all the backmasking is funny. Like the backmasking. I can't catch it all because it's in Chinese but every nowandthen I can pick out a fucking BRAND NAME.
"Emo". Ha ha ha. They've named a musical style that is so singular to us today because it deals with emotions. Registered TM. Emotions. Wow. That is some seriously groundbreaking, groundbreaking stuff. I had a emotion once- they almost sent me to that gulag, Ohio. It's Not Done, dearhearts.
Emo. Jesus Christ. Fuck you. Yeh goddamn kids today with yer cellphoons and yer blowjobs. And yer ringtones. Woah. Every time someone gets worked up about their fuckin' Butthole Surfers ringtone I just want to fly a plane into the building that is them. I just want 'em to pancake down all o'er lower Manhattaran.
Butt I digrest! There's more!
What do YOU think it is? What do YOU think it is? What do YOU think it is?