All right you want my christmas list here's my christmas list




Yeah last minute ipod synergistic gift ideas

Yeeeahh. Ho ho ho.

I was searching for gifties today amongst th' Missing Linx in aisle two and was amazed and excited by all th' options. Try growin' up in the third world and not walking through this culture in a haze of disgust and shame. Try it, droogsters. Like a bee sting that never stops. Like a Kenny G carol that never stops farting and blatting its hideous keening mating call to th' female of the species. Actually, I take that back. All our kids is growing up in th' third world as we speak.

Here comes excitement, my friends! Right down Santa Claus lane!

Up first we have:

The iPod Ass Attachement:

Heyyy...exciting that! Slides right up the ol' cheddar expressway, don't it? Whole new meaning to th' term "subwoofer". Ha. Get me THREE or you DON'T LOVE ME.

Next up, we have th' certainly no-less hypnotizing

iPod Credit Card

WOOOAAAHHH! Looks like a credit card! Swipes like a credit card! But it's so much motherfuckin' more! It plays SO MUCH BAD MUSIC!


no other device yet devised plays MORE BAD MUSIC. Music that sells every manner of appliance and personal hair removal device! You can set it so when you swipe it at the automated teller TM, well, boy oh boy if it doesn't just play you a li'l Regina Spektor number. She's so talented! And she grew up in a Communist Country so her story is one of overcoming TREMENDOUS ODDS to bamboozle you with her mediocrity. Regina Spektor. She's like a fucking sleeping aid. Jesus. And that psycho uncle Phil of hers from Laurelstan.

They're moving like hotcakes in places like China and India but we'll have to wait a while here in the Old Country.

Hey, look! Look at THIS crap. It's the iPod iNfant. Look- mommy's pausing her new Killers cd so's what she can breastfeed.

th' iNfant is great because you can plug it right into your USB port and download all manner of corp'rate advertising for your delectation. The headphones are located on the inner thighs so it looks like you're giving little snuggums a shoulder ride but you're actually listening to that SWINGIN' new "emo" band. Dashboard Vomitorium. Man, they rock. They're my faves. Right after that other Beefheart of th' teen set, The Fray. Bleagh. Only thing good about th' Fray is that the singer is going bald. It makes it easier to deal with the fact that everyone dies someday. And all the backmasking is funny. Like the backmasking. I can't catch it all because it's in Chinese but every nowandthen I can pick out a fucking BRAND NAME.

"Emo". Ha ha ha. They've named a musical style that is so singular to us today because it deals with emotions. Registered TM. Emotions. Wow. That is some seriously groundbreaking, groundbreaking stuff. I had a emotion once- they almost sent me to that gulag, Ohio. It's Not Done, dearhearts.

Emo. Jesus Christ. Fuck you. Yeh goddamn kids today with yer cellphoons and yer blowjobs. And yer ringtones. Woah. Every time someone gets worked up about their fuckin' Butthole Surfers ringtone I just want to fly a plane into the building that is them. I just want 'em to pancake down all o'er lower Manhattaran.

Butt I digrest! There's more!

There's...the...the...iPod Soul!

What do YOU think it is? What do YOU think it is? What do YOU think it is?


You guys think

that this will catch on as good as "teh" "internets"?

What can we do to help? How is it pronounced?

I hear it w/ four syllables; almost Latin. Blog-OSH-peh-re.


Other Mases That Didn't Make It


Proposed date: July 30

Proponent: cleek

Object of celebration: Th' band Pavement.

Mode of celebration: Elliptical phrases exchanged.

Why it didn't make it: Stephen Malkmus objected to misspelling of his name and the potential crass commercialization of Hallmark's proposed "Crooked Smiles, Crooked Smiles" line of greeting cards.


Proposed date: June 25

Proponents: The WTO and WalMart

Object of celebration: Christmas.

Mode of celebration: see Christmas. Christmasmas was the invention of the World Trade Organization, the purpose of which should be painfully obvious to anyone who would like to use all that nice glittery trim to plug up sales personnel's anuses.

Why It Didn't Make It: 1. Dude, it's like the holiday version of Tenacious D's "Tribute".
2. see below: people are almost stupid enough.

Special Notes: The WTO plans to resubmit this idea in 2015, when it is projected that the average human IQ will be 49 instead of th' average 50.


Proposed date: December 21

Proponents: Mike Keneally.

Object of celebration: The birth of Frank Zappa

Mode of celebration: acting out the lyrics of Frank Zappa songs.

Why It Didn't Make It: Test Market A responded poorly to the coming in the mouth thing.

Special Notes: EVERY DAY IS FRANKMAS, FRIENDS. Look th' fuck around.


Proposed date: October 6


1. fans of the band XTC. While numbering only 63,000 in number, the lobby managed to secure a place for this proposal on th' docket through sheer rabid aggression.

2. The Japanese.

Object of celebration: The music of XTC.

Mode of celebration: exchanging gifts of exploding fruit, barking and hiccuping at one another around maypole, buying the umpteenth repackaging of the home demos for the home demos of "Bags Of Fun With Buster", putting on "English Settlement" and pointing at the air and saying listen to THIS part...listen to THIS part..."

Why It Didn't Make It: While Xtcmas managed to get off the ground, it decided to stop touring in 1981

Special Notes: Underground following persists, awaiting the day when Xtcmas will be once again made official. Which will never happen. Stay the fuck tuned for Nicklebackmas, though.


Proposed date: April 1

Proponents: Th' Oncology Lobby

Object of celebration: Cancerous tumors.

Mode of celebration: Exchanging organs. Children wear wigs.

Why It Didn't Make It: Detected too late.

Special Notes: Are those well-manicured female hands with th' light pink nail polish tugging and tenderly manipulating that fella? I think I'm feeling a little BB on my own satchel. Can't be sure! Second opinion!

"When I Think Of Christmas..." with Good Bobby and Bad Bobby

Good Bobby: When I think of Christmas I think of having a good time with friends and family alike.

Bad Bobby: When I think of Christmas I think of shoving my ass in an industrial meat grinder and serving the deep-fried results to all th' hungry children of the world.

GB: When I think of Christmas I think of the wonder of childhood and the endless vistas of th' imagination

BB: When I think of Christmas I think of a quintillion-gallon ribbon of napalm descending from the snowy skies and cutting a path of death and devastation from Alaska to fuckin' Kancakee IL.

GB: When I think of Christmas I think of the amazing fortune of having lived another year of challenges and of those little magic moments in life.

BB: When I think of Christmas I think of thin-slicing one of my testicles like a large (freakishly large, actually), ripe garlic clove and serving it pan-seared over a nice chop. Avec le creme fraish, sil-vous-plait, garcon. And then of eating it before retiring in my nightcap to a bed of rancid piss and bedclothes strewn with gore and offal. And of tossing and turning the night through with visions of stockings filled with fetuses and sausage links.

GB: Dude do NOT hit Publish Post.

BB: Fuck you, man. Stick a fork in 'er.

GB: Man, I'm not kidding. That's some sick fuckin' sh