A Small Precis on THE USELESS GOD FUCKING DAMNED MEDIA AND SOME OTHER CRAP

1. What happened to the "You bet your sweet Ass-percream..." ad campaign that Aspercream was doing for about three days? Those ads were fucking hilarious. You bet your sweet Ass-percream. We were in hysterics. When was the last time an ad made you want to do anything but open up with a Uzi?

It was like a pretty little jingle..."you bet your sweet ASSpercream..." Did anyone see those?
Fuckin' FCC musta pulled them faster than fabric over J. Jackson's turkey l'il pittie.

Did anyone see those (the ads, not the other things)?

2. MTV, in a fit of I-don't-know-what, has seen fit to start airing this incredible show about active duty U.S. military personnel. Don't remember the name. It's awesome. Follows soldiers on leave, soldiers facing another tour, soldiers with no more extremities.
Wow. Wait'll Nike hears. They'll pull that shit faster than W makes Cheney pull his finger.

In the meantime, I recommend it. It's the only indication you'll get in this country that we're creating yet another generation of chain-smoking P.T.S.D. suffering veterans. Fucking children. With that look in their eyes. Like they've seen shit you can't even imagine. Oh, my fucking god.

Like I say, fuckin' Monsanto is not going to stand for this shit so you might want to toon in quick to see what's actually happening in the world before whatsisname at Exxon decides to call out a favor on his little assboy GWB and get a legislatin' thingie in to get THIS SEDITIOUS MATERIAL OFF THE AIR.

Where the unholy hell is Jimi Hendrix when you need him?

Here at home we're not exactly Saving Tinfoil and Buyin' War Bonds. We're told to hang the flag out and not stop shoppin' at Deathmart. Oh, my fucking god.

Nothing good will come of this.

3. It's fun, after any major speech from W, like the one at Lejeune yesterday, to scope out the world media and hear their reaction. Everybody, like all those dudes on the BBC World Service, just hate this guy so much. It's awesome. You're listening to a BBC commentator grilling some talking head pundit or theorist and he's practically like "so, is it now a fact the George Bush tears apart and eats his own living human prey?" "do you think it can safely be deduced from this speech that George Bush has set a two-year timeline for the destruction of the Earth?".

Basically, you can never underestimate the damage that hanging out with an asshole does to your reputation. Let that be a lesson to all of us. Let's nip the hanging out with assholes deal in the bud. We should have, like, Dave Grohl for President. All the god damn goat worshippers all over the world would be rubbing their hands ready to descend on us, and then they'd be like, "hey- isn't that the asskicking dude from the Foo Fighters? Isn't that they guy who does "I DON'T OWE YOUANYTHING I DONTOWE YOUANYTHING..."

They'd be like "sweet. he's got Taylor Hawkins on the kit." Taylor Hawkins- here's the deal with Taylor- how cool as a cucumber would you have to be to be a drummer in a band with Dave Grohl? Eh? Say what you will about the flannelfest back there in '92, Dave Grohl is a fucking drummer for The Ages. Everybody knows that. He's the closest thing my gen has to a Keith Moon.

That's a really interesting thought. Pondering what actual great musicians came out of grunge. Here's what I'm getting on first thought-

-that god damn Screaming Trees guy, Mark Linehan.
-fucking Grohl.
-Chamberline, there- the drummer from the Pumpkins.
-um, fuckin' whatsisname from Soundgarden. The drummer. I forget. He's king hell. Matt...Matt...Matt...something. Matt Grohl...no.....
I've heard Melissa Auf Der Mer from Hole play some not-too-shabby bass. Really.
Abruzzese there-Pearl Jam drummer that they sacked right after they got huge.

A lot of drummers, huh? Interesting.

Um, where was I?

Oh, yeah- Fuck The Man.

No, seriously- the fuckin' Fatwah-makin' dudes would be all, "we can't fuck up the U.S. now that Dave Grohl is president!! that guy had Chick Corea sit in with his band at the Grammys and it kind of sucked but it was really brave."

They be all "people would think we're ASSHOLES!"

They be all "man, those guys had that song "Everlong". And that "Floatie" and "For All The Cows". We can't fuck with the U.S. NOW. People will think we're ASSHOLES."

And they'll all get into it and Nirvana will be like the Band Of Allah and there'll be a worldwide grunge retro-explosion and it will severely suck, but man, it'll be a lot better than this shit.

It'll be a lot better than this shit.

Because this shit's not flyin' with the 'Foot. The 'Foot is not in the room on this one.

And that's pretty much where I stand on that crap.


HEAD AND SHOULDERS


SPAM


TROJAN BRAND PROPERLACTICS


GRAPE SPERMICIDAL JELLY


Monsanto appears courtesy of Satan. Colour by Deluxe.

Rockin' the 'Tards

Boy we blazed last night in Keene NH. Why is it that public outdoor summer concerts are always attended by 90% "Spanish Royalty" if you get my drift? Man, I feel like Lennon makin' fun of the front row. One of many, many things John and I have in common. "Spastics". Ha ha. Sometimes I feel a kinship to the tardies, having temporarily joined their ranks on many occasions. Keyboard player Gary Gagnon in this band is such a better human being than me. He goes out in the crowd with the wireless and does the Joe Elliot thing and gets 'em all pumped up. What a guy. "Clap your hands!" "Don't feel bad if you miss!" He's going to heaven. I, meanwhile, am up on stage making 'tard faces at the drummer. Boy, that's evolved.

I sure look like a 'tard, huh, speakin' of? Blrg glrp. Not to mention I'm flippin' the bird w/ my fret hand. I'm really glad it's on th' front of the paper up there today. Lookit singer Debbie. I think she's in the middle section of "Love To Love You Baby". Hee hee.

Fuck The Man!!!!!!!!!


Fender

Panasonic

Hershey's

Smith 'n' Wesson

BEATLE ARR SOO SOO GOOD.

BEATLE MAKE GOOD GOOD SONG. BEST SONG "IFEEL FIEN" THIS GOOD SONG MAKE.

YOU ALL MAKE COMENT HERE:

OR MAKE HERE

sorry about the ann coulter thing...

That leprous, craven, hideous fartknocker.

...but you have to admit the Sri Lanka one is comedic gold.

The Whole Public Broadcasting Budget Slashing Debate is Actually Quite Simple.

Here's the deal. My fast track, high power career has me behind the wheel for endless hours every week. When I listen to NPR I hear news and information. I hear interviews with film makers, artists, liberal and conservative politicos and commentators. I hear book reviews, I hear movie reviews.

When I turn to Fascist Talk Radio I hear commercials. Commercials for shitty things. Crappy mattresses and crappy little radios and bad, crappy shit. Fake commercials where it sounds like Bill O'Reilly is talking to some dickhead hawking bad crap. But it's fake because he's reading from a script and they match it up later so it sounds real. Boy, is that some shitty lying crap.

I turn back to NPR and I hear hard news. Flip back over to FTR? More commercials for shitty snakeoil crap.

What am I missing? What am I missing?

The only bias I hear on NPR, as far as content, is a bias towards assuming the listener isn't a FUCKING SHILL.

On Fresh Air alone, I've heard great, great interviews with James Brown, Paul McCartney, Michael Penn, Becker and Fagen, Aimee Mann, GENE SIMMONS, BILL O'REILLY, the Wachowskis, Martin Scorsese, Sting, both Clintons, Penn and Teller, Gloria Steinem, a million jazz giants, the Simpson's writers, fucking EVERYBODY. The kind of people I'd hang out with if I wasn't a beautiful, beautiful loser (except for Simmons and O'Reilly- what fucking IDIOTS they were to interview).

I get Talk of the Nation. I get Morning Edition. I get Prairie Home. I get Car Talk. I get AFROPOP WORLDWIDE WITH "GEORGE CULINEE". I get Latino USA. I get motherfucking WORLD CAFE WHICH PRETTY MUCH SHOWED ME WHERE I SHOULD GO AFTER ROCK DIED FOR ME. What do I not get? Um, political shit. I don't get any political shit. And trust me, I'd tell you if I did. I hate that fucking agenda crap.

If I had to listen to 5 minutes of ads playing up THE GOD DAMNED WERMACHT I would still listen. What kind of hysterical, whingeing, asshole FAGGOT DICKHEAD CHRISTER CHILD MOLESTING PUPPY-SHOOTING SPERM-DAQUIRI SWILLIN' (???) DILLHOLE (!!!) would be SO STUPID AND IGNORANT AND INCURIOUS AND UNINTELLECTUAL AND STUPID AND MYOPIC as to think an interview with Scorsese or McCartney isn't a better way to spend the odd tax dollar than springing fucking evil corporateers from well-deserved jail cells and sticking fucking match sticks under enemy combatant's fingernails?

You fucking evil fuckwarts. Sometimes I wish I could just take this whole fucking place over my knee and SPANK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF IT.

Gonna say it....gonna say it....urgghhhh...gggggaaahhhhh....sssss....ssss..SSSS...S-S-S-SOMETIMES I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE. AND DON'T GIVE ME THIS LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT SHIT BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE THAT DEER ASSAULT RIFLE UP YOUR FUCKING FUNDAMENT. AND PULL TH' TRIGGER. OHHHH......THE INHUMANITY......GLKJROIJOHIGHGALKFJJ;......
OHHH......OHHHHHH.......YOU IDIOT FUCKING NAZI NEOCON FUCKS. GUHHHH.....I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FISTFIGHT. ANYWHERE ANYTIME. HERE'S YER FAGGOT LIBERAL. I WILL WORK YOU LIKE A PORKCHOP AND I WILL GO ALL JUDO ON YOUR ASS. WHAT, THERE'S SIX OF YOU? I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'M SUPERPISSEDBLACKBELTLIBERALGUNPLAYMAN....I'M YOUR NIGHTMARE LIBERAL...I TALK ABOUT "GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF" WHILE I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND PISS IN YOUR THROAT. I BOUNCE KITCHEN UTENSILS OFF YOUR SKULL AS I TAKE HUGE, FRAGRANT BONG HITS AND PLAY TH' GODDAMN FLAMING LIPS. in the OCTAGON i shall stalk you. YOU MIGHT WIN BUT YOU KNOW GODDAM WELL I'LL GET A COUPLE OF YOU FUCKS. I'LL GET AN EYE OUT OR MAKE IT SO YOU CAN'T FUCK or TEAR YOUR SACROILIAC or some shit. sOME crap's gonna go down with your shit. Sometimes fire must be met with like. And I swear, yes, SWEAR that I shall be so up in Thy Shiznit that thou verily shan't know from which point of the compass the burning blows fall.

And fall they shall. Yes. Each mightier than the last. Smiting, smiting about the shoulders and buttocks that there shall ARISE IN THE LAND A VOICE MIGHTY, A VOICE MIGHTY AND GOOD. A VOICE FOR GOOD SHALL RISE UP IN THE LAND. IN THE LAND THE VOICE OF GOOD SHALL ARISE. ARISING, IN THE LAND, THE VOICE OF GOOD, WILL. AND IN THE VOICE THERE SHAL

Mff. Some coffee.

Man, that is how you bliggity blog. All swung on coffee and SLAPPIN' that shift key with the RIGHTEOUS conviction that YOU ARE SOMEHOW NOT AN ANAL FISTULA YOURSELF. ssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAZZZZZZZZZ.

Ha. That was "shwaz". Nice. What shall we have it mean? "Shwaz". It's yours. Actually, it should probably be "shwazz". That has a nice glam-band-name feel about it.

YES, IN ALL THE YEARS OF YOUR CONVICTION THAT YOU ARE SOMEHOW IMBUED WITH THE "RIGHT" perspective and the "RIGHT" convictions YOU'VE NEVER CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY THAT THE ODDS OF THAT ARE 1,000,000,000,00,00,00,00,000,000 TO ONE. Ugly. Ugly. Let's get away from this right now. It's too close to the edge. You know why Yes were wussies? Because they thought being Close To The Edge was cool. No one who has been Close To The Edge is going to write a song called "Close To The Edge". Their song will be like "Totally Livin' Easy" or "Nowhere Near That God Damn Edge" or "The Treatment's Over".

You know who's close to The Edge? Fuckin' Bono, man. And that Adam Clayton.

I used to know Adam in school in New Jersey. He was from Long Island originally. All those guys were from around there. They did the whole Irish thing to get huge and they really pretty much have everybody snowed. It's AWESOME. It makes Kiss look like Nirvana. Hyuck.

Anyway, yeah, those guys were all from there. Actually, they were Southside Johnny's roadies. That's how they met. Fuckin' Bono was coming down with The Jukes to Asbury Park to roadie a show at the Stone Pony and that Edge guy was there from Trenton. He got his nickname because he wore his flares up really, really high and kind of gay and the guys in the band used to call him "Wedgie". "Hey, Wedgie, get me a fuckin' beer," "Hey, Wedgie, tune this guitar."

So it got shortened to "Wedge" and Wedge was like the cool guitar roadie from Trenton. His real name is Phil. Phil Caruso. yeah. And that drummer Larry Mullen Jr. is actually Larry Cullen from Massapeckua whatever.

You guys should hear where "Sting" actually comes from. Let me put it this way; what's smaller than a bee's stinger? Haah?

It's awesome because when they started playing and they thought up the Irish Thing they decided they'd do this whole "honesty" trip. It worked like a fucking champ. God damned U2. Four guys from New Jersey with a dream. Three chords and The Truth. They're like that cousin that you always talk shit about but when you see them you're all nice.

I think it'll be awesome when they pull NPR's funding and we have to pony up a couple more bucks a year. Then we won't have to hear neurotic, ignorant, sibling-fucking neocon Bushlovers bitch and bitch and bitch about it. Then we can have our interviews with intelligent people and artists and those cocks can have their ads for UFO Detectors.

Fuckin' assholes.

What am I missing?

ANN COULTER: PROOF POSITIVE THAT NOT ALL DOWN'S SYNDROME SUFFERERS HATE IT IN THE ASS.

Sorry.

check it- this is how one of my posts looks to someone from Sri Lanka-

Tjreuir oieurasdfasdf; ierogh aephavfe epghad;a[whgh asdf;a;sdh lkasdlfeu euqe lkadsk KLASDHFKLJ LJKEUI DLFHH lkasdue ueuirv eiuve ieir euea laeh!!!! LKADFHE!!!!! KLJASDFKLHASDFHE SDAFJF JDEEUU LEEU!!! /fjfjdfeuuf fkjdf eiurbvb alk heuugfug!!!!!!!!!1 ALKADKFH =. KLJASDSDFH, IUSDDF, KJADKF.

DASFJKEU, KJADF KDF JKEUUO AOEBNVA.

Theaoth kltj thertheuut te eeoowslwk.

KJTKJAT!!!!!!!!!

sorry my post yesterday no make sense

that's sort of like Carl Rove apologizing for leaving slime trails on your carpet.


I have a cool technique for finding pictures for my posts. This one, for example, I did a google on "insane person" and ended up with the lovely Princess Cuddles here.

If I'm doing a post on, say, Carl Rove I'll google "fucking weird freak asshole" and see what happens. Wow- "did not match any documents". Fucking internet is a piece-a-shit.

Princess Cuddles!!!!! I WILL vote for you.

Ain't that just the goddamned little rodent right there?

A Hill To (Not) Die On.

O.K. listen up and listen good you fucking "legislators" pissin' through our tax dollars with yer flag-burning shit and your god damned ten commandments shit.

I have once unleashed the Shock 'n' Awe of the Bobby Lightfoot Terminal Disease Assassination squad once already, and even though no one had a terminal disease, the world shook that day. And don't think I won't do it again the NEXT MOTHERFUCKING TIME I HEAR SOME PISSAHOLIC POLITICIAN WAXING MASTURBATORY ON WHETHER WE SHOULD HAVE GOD DAMN MONUMENTS TO THE GOD DAMN TEN GOD DAMN COMMANDMENTS OR NOT.

What the fuck ever happened to BEING A FUCKING MAN? MAN THE FUCK UP YOU BALD OLD HABIT-WEARERS. JESUS CHRIST. LEMME QUICKLY THINK OF AN EXAMPLE WHERE SOMEONE HAS DISPLAYED THE TINIEST BIT OF MOTHERFUCKING INTEGRITY IN THE GOVT. OR THE PRESS OR WHATEVER.

Oh, never mind- it was those two journalists who refused to reveal their sources and now they're up for mebbe a year or two in the slammer.

O.K.- wrong tack. I forgot it's 2005 in Amuuuurica. My bad.

What the holy fuck is it with the ten commmandment thing? Oh, my sweet fucking Jeebus. There are SO MANY FUN AND EDUCATIONAL HOBBIES. Christ.

O.K.- Quick breakdown to help you fucking schoolgirls get with the program. Here's the ground rules:

NORMAL SECULAR PEOPLE, HERE IS YOUR LIST OF CHORES:

1. Get the fuck over it. There's nothing wrong with the Ten Commandments. Take it from Lightfoot. Does Lightfoot suffer religious bullshit lightly? I rest on my record. But for fuck's sake take a FUCKING PILL. Just because religion is a sick joke that turns people's brains into pus doesn't mean we have to get all het up about a fucking icon or two. Hey, you can take it.

2. Get the fuck over it. There's this guy I know has a huge, gross wart on his face. Great guy. If I can live with that, then you can live with a fucking ten commandment or two. yes, you can.

3. Get the fuck over it. There's people without Broadband in fucking Malaysia.

RELIGIOUS PEOPLE, BOTH (A) NORMAL, COMMUNITY-ORIENTED TYPES AND (B) YOU CULTO-FREAK-CAT-MOLESTING BORN AGAIN CHRISTENSTEIN FUCKWARTS, HERE IS YOUR LIST OF CHORES:

1. Pick your fucking battles with an eye to discernment. I know it's tough when you only got 8 hours of work, and all this time left over to lord it over others. Stamp collecting is lovely. You might also benefit from an awareness that on the internet there's all these naked people to look at. Make a Tsunami Diorama and fucking pray to it.

2. For members of group (A): Start acting like grownups and set an example for your fucking children. That's what you're all on about, right? (B): Just kill yourselves.

3. Simple: just stop being assholes. Just stop. I guarantee that if you start living with the tiniest sense of equivocation and doubt you might just find THAT EVERYBODY WON'T FUCKING HATE YOU.

O.K.

Group 3: I'm talking to you men out there.

1. Start acting like men for fucks sake. Build some shit or design something good or make some art LIKE A FUCKING MAN. OR HEY, CRAZY IDEA, YOU FUCKING "LEGISLATORS"- LET'S GET SOME HEALTH CARE TO SOME FOLKS LIKE MEN DO IN THE FIRST- AND SECOND- WORLD COUNTRIES OUT THERE.

2. Nobody likes to hear a buncha guys bitching about flag burning and ten commandment shit. Yer all on and on all day about this fucking shit. IT'S COSTING US MONEY. Who are our children supposed to look up to? Jesus Christ, build a bridge. fix a fucking alternator. Write a bad rock opera. Jesus Fucking Christ. Fuck somebody, LIKE MEN DO. AND DO A GOOD JOB FUCK'S SAKE WOMEN THINK WE'RE ASSHOLES!!! ASSHOLES!!!

O.K. THAT'S IT. I HAVE SOME FUCKING LAUNDRY TO FUCKING FINISH. THEN I'M GOING TO GO ROCK. ROCK. LET MEN DO.

AND NEXT TIME LET'S THINK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HOW WE SPEND OUR GOD DAMN TIME AND THE EXAMPLE WE SET AND WHAT'S WORTH SPENDING MILLIONS ARGUING ABOUT AND WHAT GOD DAMN FUCKING ISN'T.

AND THAT'S WHERE I COME DOWN ON THIS FUCKING SHIT.

Jesus CHRIST.