Mel Schacher Th' Mighty

Heyyyyy...my numbers are down so I thought I'd throw up a pic of m' bud Mel Schacher of th' Great Grank Fund 'cause most of my hits come from Mel searches! Woah!

Guy couldn't play a song if you held a pound of El Marching Powderio Colombiano to his snoot and kicked him in the jimmoes.

Bobby's Lightfoot Komedy Korner! Woah woah weee woah!

Saudi Royal family walks into a bar! Suddenly it turns out it's a giant blender and this big giant turns it on and splortch that's all she fuckin' wrote! And these big spikes come out of th' walls and then th' fucking walls collapse! Scrunch! Ha!







Four pigs walk into a bar! Suddenly the floor disappears and they all fall to slow, hideous deaths on th' spikes below! Cockroaches scurry hither 'n' yon, plucking out their eyes and scrotes! Yeesh!















Fuckin' Rupert Murdoch and O.J. walk into a bar! Nicole's ghost appears in a cook's outfit and hacks off their wangs with a butcher knife, throws 'em in a blender and serves 'em up in margarita glasses. With little umbrellas! Ha! They bleed to death while enjoying their "cocktails" and are buried in an obscene position under th' floorboards.










Fuckin' Dribbleya walks into a bar and orders a "Cheney". Two minutes later his chest explodes and Cheney comes out. Then Cheney's chest explodes and Dribbleya makes sweet love to th' cavity. Then they collapse sated into a bloody pile and die giggling and puking entrails. Ha.

This one might be a pilot.

Doctor Devendra Answers Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #7

Dear Doctor DiVendra,

My expelled intestinal gasses smell like Altoids and my breath smells like excrement.

What do I suffer from?

Jeff

Dear Esteemed Mr. Lynne;

I am so very sorry for your health issues, but am unfortunate to say I cannot address them here at the Rock Health Forum. It would be disprofessional for to tend to you.

Dear friend, I must be of high ethnical standing and refer you, as I did with the Carpal Tunnel issues of Mark Farner, to Dr. Dipak Chadragesh's Answers To Your Gayass Stinky Crappo Poop Music Health Questions.

The blessings of a million floating Ganges logs unto you, sir. Please to stop making music!

Dr. Anoush Devendra, Rock Doctor.

Bobby Lightfoot Guest Post: SHAKEDOWN ON WORTHINGTON STREET

Ah, friends of freedom everywhere, I must jump in amidst th' questionable brilliance of Anoush and relate yet another fascinating incident from Th' Rock Life.

Perhaps I should approach the episode as a series of "Lessons Learned", th' better to make myself understood to you corporate types.

LESSONS LEARNED 11.29.06

1. Never go to Springfield, Massachusetts.

2. If you must, never arrange to meet Ace McClintock in a parking area on Worthington Street to retrieve a CD.

3. If you must, do not enter Mr. McClintock's vehicle for the purpose of watching a recent video shoot on portable DVD player.

4. If you must, make sure a meeting has not also been arranged with a potential drummer who needs a CD to learn songs.

5. If you must, make sure the drummer does not call on cell phone to state he is also in the parking lot DO NOT FLASH HEADLIGHTS TO SIGNAL YOUR LOCATION.

6. If you must, DO NOT EXPECT OR REQUEST A RETURN FLASHING OF HEADLIGHTS.

7. If you must, do not let large African American drummer and his friend Benson approach and enter your car.

8. If you must, DO NOT PASS CDS BACK AND FORTH IN THE FUCKING CAR.

9. IF YOU MUST, DON'T BE FUCKING SURPRISED IF 4 PLAINCLOTHES VICE PIGS DESCEND ON YOU LIKE THE BLACK FUCKING PLAGUE.

10. IF YOU MUST, MAKE SURE YOUR LEGS ARE FAR ENOUGH APART WHEN YOU ARE SHOVED FACE FIRST INTO THE HOOD OF TH' CAR.

11. IF YOU CAN'T, MAKE SURE TO PICK UP ALL YOUR BELONGINGS WHEN THEY ARE THROWN AND SCATTERED ABOUT THE PARKING LOT.

12. IF THE CAR IS TO BE TORN TO SHREDS MAKE SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER. YOU ARE ENCOURAGED TO NOT TRAVEL WITH ELECTRONICS OR DELICATE GLASS ITEMS AS THEY GENERALLY DO NOT SURVIVE RAPID TRIPS TO THE GROUND.

13. DON'T BE STUPID. IT AIN'T LIKE THE OLD DAYS. WE AREN'T IN MOTHERFUCKING KANSAS ANYMORE.

Dr. Devendra Answers To Your Vexing Rock Health Questions #6

Dear hard rocking friends, once again it has come th' time to address your problems and issues as regarding rock health! With me, Anoush Devendra. Because I have a degree in Rock Medicine.

Let us begin!








Dear Dr. Devendra:

I'm noticing that it's getting harder and harder to stomp on my pedal such that the bass drum resounds like God's own heartbeat. Also, there's a lingering aftertaste of vodka-soaked bangers and mash mixed with bile acids in my mouth that I just can't get rid of. Any suggestions?

-John Bonham

My Dear Friend John;

Allow me first to give to you many compliments on your work on Zeppelin IV. My, that is a bitching album indeed, my headband-clad dead friend!

Your problems, you will be gratifying to know, are but dust on a gentle breeze! Firstly, I would suggest a double-beater kick pedal on both of your kick drums! This way you will be as four drummers! No fancy paradiddle shujneej for you, Mr. Bonham: simply kick them both at same time! I believe this technique is hinted at in the wonderful "Four Sticks" from the wonderful Zeppelin IV album!

As far as the aftertaste of choked-upon meat and potatoes and vodka you will be happy to learn that I gave the recipe for a wonderful breath elixir to your colleague great Mr. Jimmy Page. It involves eye of newt and a few pints of infant blood but will be worth every trip to Burma!

I am thanking you!

Dr. Anoush Devendra




Dr. Doctor Devendra:

Before I leave a question, I must ask something re your credentials. How can I be sure you will doctor my rock properly?And BTW, were you at Woodstock?

Sincerely,Wondering & Rocking


Ah, my dear W and R;

Sincere inquisition is always welcome for the skeptical; it allows me to be blowing upon my own horn you see!

My credentials is this: I am a Doctor In Rock Medicine! I have degree in Rock Medicine. Thank you for the asking.

Unfortunately, my dear fellow, I can not tend to your rock. I would never be so unprofessional as to be steeping out of my field! May I suggest you contact a true Stone Doctor? I, Anoush, would not know the difference between an igneous and a parliamentary rock!

Unfortunately, I was not being at Woodstock. I had in fact come for the sacred ewent, but when Pete Townshend kicked Tiny Tim off the stage I was forced to leave and tend to the Mr. Tim's bruised buttocks. Now it is I who require buttock assistance from years of the kicking upon my own! Ha!

Yours in Rock Doctoring,

Anoush Devendra, Doctor of Rock (not stones you see)



Dear Dr. Devendra,

My town recently held a 'Herman's Hermits' concert, yet apparantly the official 'HH' are either the ones who were in Las Vegas that night with Peter Noone, or the ones who were in Swindon that night with the drummer! The other three are out of the business, (and in one case, life). So who the hell was playing in my town's Civic Theatre last weekend?

And is it wrong for me to really love 'I'm Into Something Good'?

Sincerely,
Herman's Whosits

Dear Sir Hen-er-y The Eighth;

I am not knowing this answer! I did once tend to Herman for a hernia, however. These are such lonely men!

For the liking of "I'm Into Something Good" there is no recriminationery. There indeed you are into something good! Another favorite of mine from this period of wonder is "I'm Telling You Now" by the wondrous Freddie and His Dreamers! Such dancing! Such singing! It brings to me memories of the many!

Your Rock Doctor,

Dr. Anoush Devendra

For Hearing Of The Good Song

We must to this place go, children.

And now today's questions!

Let us begin!



Dr. Doctor Devendra;

Is it all right to drink alcohol while taking cirrhosis medication?

Sincerely, David Crosby


Dr. Mr. Crosby;

I see no problem with this!

Sincerely, Dr. Anoush Devendra




Dr. Doctor Devendra;

I have decided to begin a strict cocaine regimen after being clean for 20 years. Can this damage my new septum? It is made of plastic.

Sincerely, Stevie Nicks

Dearest Stevie;

No problem at all! In fact, it might actually be helpful.

Yours, Anoush Devendra


Go with rock health, children!

Th' Most Perfect Pre- "Tenacious D And The Pick Of Destiny" Conversation In The WORLD

(During preview for dopey movie "The Number 23" where Jim Carrey is finding that every significant number in his life adds up to 23.

Bobby Lightfoot: Woah...just like 9-11...

Ned Jingo: No, that adds up to 21.