Yeah, baby! Cell phones! Fuck are they exciting! I've heard they'll make ones that actually WORK next!! Woah! Don't get your colostomy bag in a twist!
So, these multifunction ones where you can take useless pictures and listen to shitty music? And BUG ME?
They're the best of all! So, I've got th' "inside scoop" on some of the more interesting new shitty ones that are comin' out! Check it!
Woah, dude! It's the new Nokia Circumspect! Speed dials, dowloads porn faster than crap AND...circumcises the human penis!! Coming soon! Heh! It's indispensible!
Just plug Junior in and dial 1-800-SNIP!! Bangladesh call center does th' rest!
Here we have the breathtaking Nokia ColoRec!! Holy shit! This fucker's USEFUL! Just snap in the USB cable (not incl.), hook it up to your computer, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. It detects polyps, dog! Sweet!
The new ColoRec will be phased in over the next 4 years as the number of ininsured Americans grows to 200 million.
Also measures shit levels. Set it to vibrate! No one's thought of that! Better than a GALLON of fucking wheat grass!
Holy fucking Christ! The excitement! The sheer Gadge-gasm is fucking well-nigh SEISMIC!!
Drumroll, please! I give you the Ericsson Ballmaster XT!
Phone, camera, mp3 player, personal satisfaction device, and yes- testicle shaver! Looka that! Shit'll shave you smoother'n Ken "Frito" Lay's "chest"! Woah! Woah!
Gotta love th' Ballmaster XT! The XT2, coming in '07, gently rubs and juggles 'em! How gizmotronic is that! The XTXC, comin' out in '08 in conjunction with new changes in Megan's law, just plain REMOVES 'EM!! Progress!!!!!!
Then maybe they'll make the phone part actually work! Who fucking cares, right? Thing shaves your nuts!!! Chicks LOVE that!!! Testicle appearance is a HUGE factor in male attractiveness! Everyone knows that!!! First thing a lady wonders as she eyes a stallion across a Olive Garden salad bar: "I wonder if his nuts are smooth". Hey! I know! I'm Bobby Lightfoot! I'm like th' Don Juan Of The Chronically Disillusioned!
You want excitement? You want synergy? Registered fucking trademark? You want personal protection AND a shitty phone that doesn't actually work so that your communication can be as fucked up, fragmented and monosyllabic as everything else in our "culture"?
Look no further than this year's TAZE-MAST-R from Merge! It's a cellphone AND a taser, dog! 2000 volts of sheer brain-wiping power! Never miss another sale item! Next time some bearded bespectacled Public Radio pussy gives you th' hairy eyeball for talking to Tifffaniiii about your new shitty boots during th' movie? BAMMO! Woah! That's thirty less bucks for this year's PRI fund drive, punkin!
Also has a microwave oven and a nifty li'l tattoo attachment so you can be as "alternative" as EVERYBODY ELSE! GOODBYE 20TH CENTURY! WOOOO!!!
Of all the pulse-quickening, vein-raising miracles of modern tech THIS is the most exciting, my dear friends. I give you the Ericcson WORX.
It's mostly urban legend, but not all. No, not all. The WORX, my dear readers, is the most miraculous cell phone yet. Christ. The simple thought of it churns my very yogurt.
See, the Ericsson WORX, to be unveiled sometime in the early 'teens, actually...are you ready?
It actually WORKS.
Holy fucking Mary Mother o' Gawd.
I'm off to soak my fucking head.