That Doesn't Make No Sense!

I put "horrible disfigurement" into a search 'n' got this picture of Maria Montez.

"Ridiculous genitalia" did not match any documents.

"major woody" rendered this fascinating portrait of some doof.

Then I went on ahead and did a search on "proctolojesus" and this did not match any documents.

"fat martian witch" yielded no documents. The inspired "vomitus" yielded this little treat and, understandably, this. Love it.

"Elephant anus" treated me to this and "satanic gay love" brought this up.

Bobby Lightfoot's Stagecraft 101 #2

No looking at your watch during your solo.

Bobby Lightfoot's Stagecraft 101 #1

Any story that starts with "so, we were rolling a drifter last night and ..." will be a good story.


As Sex Positions Shall They Live On.

"The Bush"- Woman on top; thrusting hits man's head repeatedly against headboard or wall so he doesn't know where he is. This is smokin'.

"The Cheney"- man shoots by mistake and has heart attack.


"The Rumsfeld"- Man doggedly pursues woman day in and day out until she finally relents. When they are naked he doesn't know what to do. Then he doesn't know when to leave.

"The Rove"- Repulsive man somehow convinces woman he is incredibly attractive, then when he seduces her and she realizes he's a pig, he takes all her money.

So! Let's hear some g'damn more, malchicks!

Woah, dude! New cell phone designs! It's Excitement Time!

Yeah, baby! Cell phones! Fuck are they exciting! I've heard they'll make ones that actually WORK next!! Woah! Don't get your colostomy bag in a twist!

So, these multifunction ones where you can take useless pictures and listen to shitty music? And BUG ME?
They're the best of all! So, I've got th' "inside scoop" on some of the more interesting new shitty ones that are comin' out! Check it!

Woah, dude! It's the new Nokia Circumspect! Speed dials, dowloads porn faster than crap AND...circumcises the human penis!! Coming soon! Heh! It's indispensible!
Just plug Junior in and dial 1-800-SNIP!! Bangladesh call center does th' rest!

Here we have the breathtaking Nokia ColoRec!! Holy shit! This fucker's USEFUL! Just snap in the USB cable (not incl.), hook it up to your computer, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. It detects polyps, dog! Sweet!

The new ColoRec will be phased in over the next 4 years as the number of ininsured Americans grows to 200 million.

Also measures shit levels. Set it to vibrate! No one's thought of that! Better than a GALLON of fucking wheat grass!

Holy fucking Christ! The excitement! The sheer Gadge-gasm is fucking well-nigh SEISMIC!!

Drumroll, please! I give you the Ericsson Ballmaster XT!

Phone, camera, mp3 player, personal satisfaction device, and yes- testicle shaver! Looka that! Shit'll shave you smoother'n Ken "Frito" Lay's "chest"! Woah! Woah!

Gotta love th' Ballmaster XT! The XT2, coming in '07, gently rubs and juggles 'em! How gizmotronic is that! The XTXC, comin' out in '08 in conjunction with new changes in Megan's law, just plain REMOVES 'EM!! Progress!!!!!!

Then maybe they'll make the phone part actually work! Who fucking cares, right? Thing shaves your nuts!!! Chicks LOVE that!!! Testicle appearance is a HUGE factor in male attractiveness! Everyone knows that!!! First thing a lady wonders as she eyes a stallion across a Olive Garden salad bar: "I wonder if his nuts are smooth". Hey! I know! I'm Bobby Lightfoot! I'm like th' Don Juan Of The Chronically Disillusioned!

You want excitement? You want synergy? Registered fucking trademark? You want personal protection AND a shitty phone that doesn't actually work so that your communication can be as fucked up, fragmented and monosyllabic as everything else in our "culture"?

Look no further than this year's TAZE-MAST-R from Merge! It's a cellphone AND a taser, dog! 2000 volts of sheer brain-wiping power! Never miss another sale item! Next time some bearded bespectacled Public Radio pussy gives you th' hairy eyeball for talking to Tifffaniiii about your new shitty boots during th' movie? BAMMO! Woah! That's thirty less bucks for this year's PRI fund drive, punkin!

Also has a microwave oven and a nifty li'l tattoo attachment so you can be as "alternative" as EVERYBODY ELSE! GOODBYE 20TH CENTURY! WOOOO!!!

Of all the pulse-quickening, vein-raising miracles of modern tech THIS is the most exciting, my dear friends. I give you the Ericcson WORX.

It's mostly urban legend, but not all. No, not all. The WORX, my dear readers, is the most miraculous cell phone yet. Christ. The simple thought of it churns my very yogurt.

See, the Ericsson WORX, to be unveiled sometime in the early 'teens, actually...are you ready?

It actually WORKS.

Holy fucking Mary Mother o' Gawd.

I'm off to soak my fucking head.

In lye.

An Afternoon Rev'rie.

I'm at a function at th' White House. My, doesn't my grey Prada suit look sharp. Hey, how did I manage to get this .38 snubnose in here? Woah! An' a speedloader! I can get off twelve shots in 12 seconds! Sweet, dude!

George Bush is making a speech to th' inner circle. I make my way to th' podium and pow! pow! pow! Two in th' polesmokin' head and one in the chest! I'm a hero!

At the swearing in of President Cheney...

Hang on-

I'm at a function at th' White House. I'm looking sharp in a blue pinstripe double-breasted number from Armani. Casual elegance. Casual. How'd I get this .38 snubnose in here? Crazy! George and Dick are chucklin' at the podium. Up comes that heavy li'l piece. Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam! Those two cocks go down like potatoe (sic) sacks, motherfucker! It's all over! You can't shovel brains back in, dawg!

At the swearing in of Condoleeza Rice...

Wait. Never mind-

Function at th' White House. Nice kelly green Kenneth Cole number. .38 snubber. George, Dick and Condoleeza jawin' by the champagne fountain. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, click. Dead. Brains everywhere. I'm a hero.

At th' swearing in of Donald Rumsfeld...

Fuck. Hang on-

Function. Blue Prada suit. Nice. .38. George, Dick, Condie, Donald. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, click. Reload. Bam, bam, bam. Brains. Dead. Hero.

At th' swearing in of Dennis Hastert...

God damn it.

I'm lounging on a heart-shaped waterbed in a suite in th' Dorchester Hotel in London with Liz Hurley and Natalie Portman. The hookah bubbles languidly.

That's better.

Somebody Help Me Clear Up This Argument.

I maintain that "heyy...I just fucked into town and boy is my dick tired" is perfectly acceptable stage banter.



Soulfinger Memories.

Being an abridged version of amusing anecdotes of th' last two weeks.

2.9: Airport Road Cafe: Band is finally fired after three months of using this club for auditions and rehearsals. Repeatedly raising the price of Jagermeister in hopes of discouraging Ace McClintock's prodigious thirst has been a useless exercise.

I don't think we ever really recovered from the underwear flying off the fan onto the bar. And bringing up five or six non-musicians to cover while we make a quick little food run. For an hour. Fucking Soulfinger.

2.10 Lighthouse, New London, CT:

A tight little show.

2.11 Iron Chef, Essex, CT:

-cancelled on account of two feet of snow.

2.12: Somewhere in Glastonbury CT:

-see above. What a break. Awesome to have a weekend for the first time in ages. Went for a little quail hunting and shot a lawyer.

2.17: Gristmill, Killington VT:

-Can't remember. I think it was fine. I found a console piano in a far-flung corner of the capacious hotel and spent most of my weekend there.

2.18: Gristmill, Killington VT:

so, tonight the famous Buckinghams, an American act that made good many eons ago by acting like they were British Invasion were playing at some resort and they showed up here later. Of course they got up on stage with Soulfinger to do "Kind Of A Drag" and it was surreal. Ace fatally insulted the singer which amused me no end. The imp of th' perverse, I suppose.

They bummed me out a little because they were so plastic and showbiz with their whole deal. I thought it would be really funny to ask one of them if they were from The Suckinghams. I got a little chip with the successful to be honest and I put them back in their place with a little "Hard To Handle" Otis-style. Being better than The Famous is the thing to be. Although I have to say "Kind Of A Drag" is something of a gem. When I was 2 and it came out.

Then there's this guy at this place who shows up every now and then and sits in on tambourine. Yeah. I introduced him as one of the original members of The Sir Douglas Quintet, the humor of which will be apparent to anyone with a good background in '60's pop. This guy kills me: he's a little off, and actually is quite a good tambourinist. When he leaves he tucks his tambourine into his jacket. I was like, "hey- he brings his own ax."

2.19 Gristmill, Killington VT:

Fine little show tonight. Tomorrow we set up at a soundstage in CT for a video shoot with the new 10-piece Soulfinger with a horn section and a third singer. Crazy. For the big money.