Fame: Yesterday And Today: Final Draft

How To Get Famous:

1966: Be really, really, really talented and fuck the right person.

2006: Fuck the right person.

Scenario 2:

1966: Be really, really talented and experience many serendipitous moments of luck

2006: Experience many serendipitous moments of luck.

Scenario 3:

1966: Be Mick Jagger

1976: Fuck Mick Jagger

1986: Arrest Mick Jagger

1996: Be Mick Jagger's kid

2006: Kill Mick Jagger

Scenario Whatever It Is:

1966: Get shot in Dallas

1986: Get shot on "Dallas"

2006: Blow up half of Dallas

How To Get Unfamous:

1966: Go to India and parlay your fortune into a nice li'l nest egg. So you can walk around barefoot th' rest of your life.

2006: Do something that doesn't suck.

How To Get Famous Again After Being Unfamous:

1966: Write an amazing book about your experiences walking around barefoot and how they helped you grow.

2006: Murder someone and write a book about the planning stages.

How To "Cross Over":

1966: Have a b-side that sounds like a kid's song.

1996: Have a b-side about a thong

2006: Attack a kid's b-side with your prong.

"Creating A Buzz"

1966: Get fat and then thin again

2006: Get thin and then fat again. And kill someone.

"Stretching Creatively"

1966: Put a sitar on a track

2006: Kill your sister for crack

"Getting Back To Your Roots"

1966: Record live

2006: Record with only ten computers and only use auto-pitch-correct...on th' vocals.

Your "Solo Career":

1966: Start a new band with new members. Name it after yourself.

2006: Use the same band, just change the name to your name. Put them on 15,ooo dollar salaries. The label said so.

Fame: Yesterday And Today: Rough Draft

Look, I'm not going to come on like everything was better 40 effin' years ago. There was suckage in abundance. And you know what? Even I'm starting to get a little (O.K. a lot) sick of videos of George Martin pulling up faders and talking about that god damn edit in fucking "Strawberry Fields". It wasn't polesmokin' Iwo Jima, you know?

Although, I have to say, I won't get tired of that DVD of Rock 'n' Roll Circus with The Who anytime soon. Holy shit. To rub people's faces in your talent like that. That's just mean.

Th' pursuit of celebrity has always been a somewhat ghastly thing to watch. In very few other endeavors do people wear their neuroses on their sleeves with such aplomb. Scratchin', whingein', scrabblin'. Guys ever watch the massively underrated "The Comeback"? yeah, like that. It's like their childhood was so bad but that's th' only thing that distinguishes them so that's what you get.

That's why it looks so terrible on anyone over 35. I mean, aren't you far away enough from your childhood yet? See, I think that's what happened to me. I've always been a little too preoccupied with, I guess, decorum. And not ever seeming to want anything too much. It's unbecoming, it really is. As I entered my mid-thirties I just thought th' idea of running around bribing people to come to your fuckin' show at the stupid Troubadour just wasn't how I wanted to spend my time. Actually, I felt that way when I was 18. Bad example.

I think that's one of the things we love about The Beatles so much. I think, because of the way their story plays out, they never look particularly contemptible. It just looks like they worked really, really, really hard and were very courageous about their choices and their commitment to each other and kept themselves in the path of opportunity. And of course they were lucky, but I think with The Beatles it isn't a question of whether they were going to be pop culture royalty but really, how long it was going to take.

Even The Beatles of my generation, The Police, charted their rise by being untoward. Are you old enough to remember how awful cool people thought they were? How naked they were in their appropriation of punk rock iconography for th' sake of fame? What a fucking noodle that god damn Sting was from day one?

See, I got lucky. I heard "Message In A Bottle" and "Walking On The Moon" on cool late-'70's European radio next to The Pistols and XTC and The Stranglers long before I ever saw a picture of them or watched Sthing fix his hair. And oh, my friends, is that some amazing, amazing music. Fresh, sparse, skilled, concise, new, open, raw, streamlined, shiny as chrome. Ridiculously innovative.

Yeah, I'd dropped them by the time they started to be on MTV all th' time and looked like they were doing cocaine.

Their luck was also epic. But their skill and talent was so in evidence that you were glad for their connections. Plus, they were lifers. They were the real thing, you know? They'd all been toiling in music for years and years, Summers since the Late Crustacean period. He had watched all his buddies become household names during psychedelia and had dropped out to study classical guitar in California, returning to England years later to some pretty prestigious sideman jobs with Kevins Coyne and Ayers. Copeland had road managed Joan Armatrading and others for years and had been in that horrid Curved Air.

Um, I really didn't want to go into depth like this. I just wanted to throw some fucking bombs and piss off. I've got too many gigs for this thought-out shit.


Grave Pissing Day! I love Grave Pissing Day!

Here..........hold m'beer.

Yeah, ohhhh, yeah. Been saving up. yeah, that pisco slides right through. Mm...hmmm.

Here. Your turn.

Hey, you still have those paper towels in th' trunk? I think I might actually be ready to take a large shit on this here grave of Augusto Pinochet.

Oh, yes. That was a good call. You too? Oh, heck yeah. Be my guest. I'll block.

Whew! Nasty.

Hurry up, dude. The line's getting longer and longer.

Today I devote all waste excreted to the memory of Augusto Pinochet, who slid off to shovel shit in hell today a lot easier than he had any right to like the murdering little lizard he was.

Oh- and to anyone who boosts him or refers to the good things he did. They're actually out there. Yeah, I see you. You fucking people will believe anything.

Whoa, dude- look. They're digging him up.

Ha ha- look what they're doing now. That can't taste good. Right in th' mouth like that.

I haven't had such a fun grave pissing day since fuckin' McNamara. Almost makes up for Anita O'Day and fuckin' Joe Strummer.