"Kielbasa" by Tenacious D

Dog, it wasn't when I got walked all th' crap over by those record execs that I realized I wasn't to be. Nah, that was the easy part. That was like those little baby cornz in chinese food- just for texture. That didn't really bug me that much aside from giving me th' Impossibility Syndrome. That's this thing I have.

And it totally wasn't when fiction played our "space rock opera" mini-opus live for the first time at th' Mint in Hollywood and it was like the best thing in rock ever and everyone knew it and everyone knew we never had a prayer. Which was one of the best things about it. Dude, music that doesn't have a prayer is more commodifiably poignant. registered TM.

And it wasn't when I first saw Johnny's band (see post below) The Answer with Greg Ordzurk on drums and they were so good and christ I hadn't even smoked up first and they were still that amazing. Actually, wait- oh, I had. But shit, man. They were like The Police if The Police were more about drugs and 13/7 punk-prog jams than they were about lucre.

Nay, 'twasnt even the moment I first listened to Rufus' Poses and realized that yet again my thunder had been stolen, and stolen by someone far more beautiful than I. Or the time the producer in LA was all over my shit and I somehow managed to fatally insult him on th' phone. Or when I played piano for Tiny Tim but he refused to tune his ukelele and I was a quarter-tone away and had to mime the whole show after shedding for days.

Or when I realized there's a moment that's your best moment and it usually comes way, way too motherfuckin' soon. And then when you're dying you're like fuck, I always thought I'd have a better pole smokin' moment than that shit and now I have to discorporate and mind you it'll hurt.

No, it was none of these or countless other heartaches. No, it was nothing so prettily prosaic as any of these little winges.

It was when I first heard "Kielbasa" by Tenacious D.

I've never felt like that, man. Like I might as well just stay the motherfucking christ in bed. "Fuck Her Gently" is no picnic either.

Shit is just that good.



Hillary54: do you like shopping
Teen: ya
Hillary54: were do you rest your macrame when the teapot boils?
Teen: well i dont use my hand...i use the bed itself
Hillary54: do you blow dry
Teen: towel
Hillary54: really
Hillary54: conditioner?
Teen: well ya
Hillary54: very nice
Teen: lol
Hillary54: cute knitting needle bouncing in the air

Hillary54: I want to see your new outfit
Teen: Like I said not til feb?then we will go to dinner
Hillary54: and then what happens
Teen: we eat...we drink...who knows...hang out...late into the night
Hillary54: and
Teen: I dunno
Hillary54: dunno what
Teen: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing here...
im not sure what I would be comfortable with...well see
Hillary54: I want to see your new khakis with that adorable sweater

Hillary54: ok..i better go vote..did you know your outfit would have this effect on me
Teen: lol I guessed
Teen: ya go vote?I don't want to keep you from doing our job
Hillary54: can I have a good hug goodnight
Teen: :-*

Hillary54: we will be adjourned ny then
Teen: oh good
Hillary54: by
Hillary54: then we can hit Bed Bath 'n' Beyond
Hillary54: lol
Teen: yes yes ;-)
Hillary54: your not old enough to shop for color coordinated lighting fixtures
Teen: shhh?
Hillary54: ok
Teen: that's not what my ID says
Teen: lol
Hillary54: ok
Teen: I probably shouldn't be telling you that huh
Hillary54: we may need to drop the new sconces off at my house so we don't get busted.

Hillary54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a sweatervest this weekend
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:38 PM): lol no
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:40 PM): im single right now
Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:57 PM): my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi
Hillary54 (7:47:11 PM): are you
Hillary54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your studying and dressing nice
Xxxxxxxxx (7:47:29 PM): lol?a bit
Hillary54 (7:48:00 PM): did you trim your hair this weekend yourself
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:04 PM): no
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:16 PM): been too tired and too busy
Hillary54 (7:48:33 PM): wow?
Hillary54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha
Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:51 PM): haha
Hillary54 (7:50:02 PM): or tired..helps me sleep
Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:15 PM): thats true
Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:36 PM): havent been having a problem with sleep though.. i just walk in the door and collapse well at least this weekend
Hillary54 (7:50:56 PM): i am sure
Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:57 PM): i dont do it very often normally though
Hillary54 (7:51:11 PM): why not
Hillary54 (7:51:22 PM): at your age seems like it would be daily
Xxxxxxxxx (7:51:57 PM): not me
Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:01 PM): im not a hair dog
Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:07 PM): maybe 2 or 3 times a week
Hillary54 (7:52:20 PM): thats a good number
Hillary54 (7:52:27 PM): in the shower

Hillary54 (8:03:02 PM): ha thats wild
Xxxxxxxxx (8:03:14 PM): ya but now im watching Gilmore Girls
Hillary54 (8:03:32 PM): me 2
Hillary54 (8:03:42 PM): clothes got you going
Hillary54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:04 PM): a Brooks Brothers ensemble with brown patent leather shoes
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): and houndstooth blazer
Hillary54 (8:04:17 PM): um so a big lapel
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:35 PM): ya
Hillary54 (8:04:45 PM): um
Hillary54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them on to you
Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha
Hillary54 (8:05:53 PM): and brim the one eyed snake
Hillary54 (8:06:13 PM): trim
Xxxxxxxxx (8:06:53 PM): not tonight?dont get to excited
Hillary54 (8:07:12 PM): well your dressed up
Xxxxxxxxx (8:07:45 PM): that is true
Hillary54 (8:08:03 PM): and your bedroom is so adorably coordinated


I've Seen It In Dreams.

Was it the delivery? Was it just funny to me?

Is th' link dead? Too much of a hassle?

Were the words illegible?

Was it a in-joke that only Roxtar and I got?

Should I have stopped in th' middle and just done my version of Th' Aristocrats? Which I must say kills.

Am I stupit?

Are YOU stupit?

Did I say that!

Fuckin' A!. Don't you realize that th' guy says, "Bring the old family bucket of bolts in for a trade! Fuck, bring the family in! A healthy, good-lookin' kid'll get ya down the road on the way to a Navigator or Town Car!"

Fuckin guy says, "If we don't have the car you're looking for I will drop a Dramamine and smoke your pole right there on the showroom floor!"


o.k., o.k.. Fuckg.

Guy walks into the office of a talent agent.

My friend John who I've been on th' outs with started taking issue with my sense of humor a couple of years ago and it was totally fucked. I was telling his wife this funny, innocent little pedophile joke and he blew th' punchline with some not in front of the ladies shit which turned me off no end. And screwed the joke up, more importantly. Jesus. I mean, come on. Allie knows I'm an asshole, right? The saving grace is that I'm a funny asshole.

Yeah, I know, I know. But here's what you have to realize: this is the guy who, two weeks earlier, had been videoing his cat's asshole and emailing it about. This is the guy who took a photo of his work crew and intricately cut and pasted so you could pull a little tab and his boss would bob his head up and down on John's priapic protruberance. I mean, brilliant shit, right? In my book.

O.K. I'm going to tell it. Because I think he should be proud of this.

See, John came up with The Grossest Thing In The World in 1988. I mean, the guy fucking won HANDS-DOWN. This was a grail for which we'd searched years and John dropped it efffortlessly on that fateful summer night driving back from a gig in Boston. Where was it? Probably that goddamn Rat. On Kenmore.

So, we're driving back at 3 AM and he says it.

The problem with fucking infants is you always blow your load before you crack spine.

Right? Grossest Thing Ever. And now he minces and nancies at the slightest mention of th' off-color. I'm still confused.

The way I see it, our whole friendship was based on hideous, repulsive humor and I think that maybe when he found It that night we were over because the point of it was gone. We were like a married couple and they find out th' guys shooting blanks. There was no point anymore.

Or maybe John just got too close to the fire that night and got burned. That shit'll change you, man. When you come face to face with it. It's like seeing the whole universe in th' wink of an eye and that can burn you, man.

I've seen it in dreams.

Not ONE song over 3 minutes long.

Actually, "Please Mr. Postman" is 3:02.