A Confession

Um, a little while ago I reviewed this wonderful record "Brattleboro April 6 12:05 AM" by the talented Robert Sherwood. I want to come forward and confess that I am actually Robert Sherwood and that's my record. That I made.

I stand by everything I said. Except the whole it-not-being-me thing.

Hey, somebody had to give it a good review.


 

All my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Fifteen

And look how everyone in the audience has these 3D glasses on or these Bootsy Collins glasses. So, how cool would you have to be to have an audience of Bootsy Collinses?

You'd have to be pretty cool, dawg.

Catholicness? Catholicisity? Catholissitude? catholicism.

The lowercase version of this word seems to have been popping up recently so I'm going to grab it.

It pleases me to remember that when I was 14, in 1979, I was just as batshit about Neil Young (Rust Never Sleeps AND Live Rust) as I was about anyone with fucked up hair and ripped sweaters. The young are always lowercase catholic. The convenience of categorization comes later.

I went to see this movie in Bonn Germany. I was, of course, alone, and I was, of course, assed on Red Leb. What a fuckin' great thing. What a concert. Just the sort of thing 1979 people would love and 2005 people would be all "wuhhh....?" They'd be like "hnnnnnnn?" I love that one- "hnnnnn..." "hnnnnn?" It's so "adenoidal". It's all "adenoidal"."

There are songs you perform as a musician that make you sound good. "No Matter What" by Badfinger is one notable example. "Twist And Shout" if done well. "Bring It On Home To Me" by Sam & Dave.

I mention this because "Live Rust" is the kind of record that as a human being makes you seem good. To love "Live Rust" is an edifying thing and is something to be proud of. After all, this album does contain live versions of "Cinnamon Girl", "Killer Cortez" and "Like A Hurricane" played by Crazy Horse. The ragged power of this collection sounds like Beelzebub horking a clam. It's like an old 318 with sticky lifters and you have to drop Rislone in but it's still runnin', burning oil.

See, in 1979 there was room for "Live Rust" on the shelves next to "Armed Forces". It was that kind of time, you know? It was just sort of one of those "cool" eras where stuff is "cool" and everything's pretty much "O.K.".

I like how I've perfected the record review that consists of a)deciding whether you like or hate a record and b) finding hilarious ways of describing either its goodness or badness.

One review of one of my records was all about how it smelled like cigarettes. that was awesome.

But anyway...where was I? Oh, yeah- so, 1979, boy. when they made that year they broke the mold, y'know wh'am sayin'. 1979 was sort of like 2005 except without all the, like, stuff that happened and all the bad, soulless horrible cynical music, and the thing with everyone being insane.

I think that's really the toughest thing about 2005, y'know? The thing with everyone being fucking lunatics. I mean, what happened in 1979? The soviets invaded afghanistan, big fucking deal. Vietnam took over Cambodia. big fucking woop. Those Cambodians had been begging for it, all dying and shit on the Killing Floor. So, and then China invades Vietnam. Heh. It's like the picture of the fishies. Even th' political crises of 1979 were cooler than ours. What have we got that's cool? What's in our headlines? The Humans For Oil project? Osama and Jennifer break up? The Pope dying? Hey, that one's rich- that's sort of like having a headline story every day about the coastline eroding. The freakish, cultlike Christian Right wanting to maintain a human rutabega's Quality of Life? Social Security going Public?

How's this for a headline: "World Mysteriously Cranks Itself Back To 1979 And All Is Well."

I should do some more cartoons. All this writing is hard work. All the research. Like, for this entry alone I had to a)find the cover of live rust b)find the track listing because I couldn't remember a god damned thing, c) I had to type "what the christ happened in 1979?" in Google and wait .0002 seconds before 18 hours of research could be done for me in .0002 seconds.

That's one cool thing about 2005. That and "Need For Speed Underground" on Game Cube. And digital recording and computer editing is O.K. I can make an album for 1500 bucks that in 1979 would have cost 150,000. Of course, no one cares because everyone else on the face of the planet can do the same thing and then whoever figures out how to shriek the loudest sells copies regardless of what it actually sounds like and I'm a terrible shrieker.

And Dunkin Donuts has those cinnamon stick things. Which brings me back to "Cinnamon Girl".

Boy was "Live Rust" awesome. Everybody knows that.
 

I think I've blown my wad on the '79 thing, so here's all the other great records I can think of right now.

David Bowie- Lodger
The Mekons- The Quality Of Mercy Is Not Strnen
DEVO- duty now for the future
Pere Ubu- New Picnic Time and, I believe, Dub Housing (!)
Joni Mitchell- Mingus
Prince's first album
Joy Division- Unknown Pleasures
Tom Petty- Damn The Torpedoes
Funkadelic put out Uncle Jam Wants You
ACDC- Highway to Hell, for christ sake
pil- metal box and that other one- Version 2 or something?
Gang Of Four- Entertainment
Ian Dury- Do It Yourself
The Damned- Machine Gun Etiquette
The Jam- Setting Sons and of course All Mod Cons
Iggy Pop- New Values
Buzzcocks- A Different Kind Of Tension
The Undertone's lovely and erudite debut
Boomtown Rats- The Fine Art Of Surfacing
Split Enz- Frenzy
Bob Marley- Survival
Peter Tosh- Mystic Man
The Stranglers- The Raven
The Cure- Three Imaginary Boys
Pink Floyd- The Wall
Foreigner- Head Games (just making sure you?re listening)
The Raincoats- The Raincoats
Shoes- Present Tense (wow!)
Throbbing Gristle- 20 Jazz Funk Greats (ha ha)
that Tom Verlaine solo album came out in 1979!!!!!!
Oh, and Joe Jackson put out "I'm The Man" in '79. "Look Sharp" actually came out in '78. Sue me.
NEIL YOUNG'S LIVE RUST CAME OUT HOLY SHIT I FORGOT!!!! FUCK THIS, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT RUST-

Hey Kids Let's Play My New Game: The Trading With Baby Jeezis Game!! Fun For The Whole Fucking Family!!!!

M-kay- you guys are going to love this. It is really funny and mental.

Here's how you play the Trading With Baby Jeezis Game. I'll start-

"Hey Baby Jeezis," you say. "I'll trade you the Olsen Twins for George Harrison."

"Hey Baby Jeezis, I'll trade you Usher and Justin Timberlake for Warren Zevon."

You get the picture? You always have to put a pretty sweet deal on the table; Jeezis is one fucking shrewd guy. I mean, he's fucking Jeezis. He's not going to bring Johnny Carson back for, like, Britney Spears. It's a lot of work Rolling the Fucking Rock Away. Just ask Lazarus. 'kay let's try one more:

"Hey Baby Jeezis," you say. "I'll trade you the entire Bush administration for John Lennon."

Oh, yeah- like THAT'S gonna fly. This would so rule if it was possible. I challenge anyone over 40 to tell me they wouldn't wade into the 2005 Grammys with a machete to get the Beatles back together. Or the Pistols if you're of my age. Kill enough talentless pissant walking corporate billboard shit heels and we could have th' flippin' Enlightenment again. God know we could use it.

Anyway, this is a great game, and if you figure out how to incorporate drinking and stripping, like I say the whole family can have a great time.

 

On The Rich

Rich people, huh? Holy shit; what a bunch of unmitigated assholes they are. I'm not talking comfortable people here, gentle folk. I'm not even talking people in the lower six figures. I'm not a fucking communist or anything. I'm talking about RICH people. What a bunch of COCKSUCKERS this gang is! Actually, I'm going to take that back; I made a vow to never again use the word cocksucker vindictively. Calling someone a cocksucker is stupid because it disparages what is really an extremely high calling. It's kind of like calling someone a "gourmet cook" or a "mechanic". And then your mechanic hears you going around calling people you hate "mechanics" and next thing you know he won't work on your car anymore.

And well, I really like my car being worked on, you know? I love having the mechanic work on my car.

Can we all pledge to use "cocksucker" disparagingly a little less? I really like cocksuckers. I think they are wonderful, giving people

UNLIKE THE FUCKING RICH.

Jesus, my disdain for the rich is well-nigh boundless. And don't give me this jealousy shit. That's some kneejerk shit right there, cocksucker. I can't decide if I hate fucking rich people more than fundamentalists. It's like trying to choose between puke and shit for lunch. "Hmmm...maybe some nice shit...noooo....puke looks good today..."

I sure as hell ain't jealous of the rich. You know who I'm jealous of? I'll tell you, so I can go on writing about the rich without having to listen to this jealousy shit 'cause I've already copped to it. Here's who I'm jealous of:

1. People who are happy with less.
2. People who set realistic goals in life and met them.
3. People who make a good, honest living doing what they love.
4. Better songwriters than me. Boy, that smarts.
5. Guys with great hair. I went from bad hair to no hair. I've had a bad hair life. I never got to look like any of my bitchin' 1979 heroes except for maybe a week. And that was Adam fucking Clayton. Don't get me wrong- I'm hot. Ooohhh, I'm hot. I'm just no-hair hot. You know how they have those Mohair suits? I've got the Nohair suit.
6. People with IQs under 143. 143 is the cutoff point, good folk. You get over 143 and life is a nightmare of SEEING THROUGH ALL THE SHIT. IT'S NOT RELAXING. And it hasn't done jack for me. Fucked me up pretty good, in fact. Being 8 and reading dictionaries. Being 8 and having read all of Poe. Being 8 and already knowing what a fucking hoax it all is. Yay. 60-odd years of knowing the fucking score. I think I'll start smoking young.

So, that's who I'm jealous of.

I am most certainly NOT jealous of scheming, penny pinching, selfish, arrogant suckoff rich people who eat steaks made of third worlders. Hell, I'd be rich too if I'd never given anyone anything. Let's say you have 10 people that you spend 25 bucks on each for Christmas. So, that's 250 bucks a year. So, since we know the truly rich have struck Mephistophelian deals and get to live for hundreds of years, you gotta figure they got 5-6 hundred Christmases under their belts. My math puts that at 150,000 dollars, just for being a selfish, sniffling, tooth sucking rich fuck. What's the interest going to be on 150 large in 600 years? I don't know, you tell me, rich wank. I've got rock to play. I've got people to give things to. I've got dogs to cuddle with. So I'm a little too busy for your faggy little triangle schemes.

You keep making all that money, the rest of us will keep having souls.

Let me break it down for you very, very simply so that everyone can understand, even stupid, arrogant, bought-their-college-diploma-anyway fucking rich people. Here is what you need in life (and I'm going to be extremely generous here. I'll never have 3/4 of these things):

1. Food, shelter and transportation. Preferably public, but hey, 99.5 percent of us don't live in Manhattan.
2. Enough money to take care of our children. This includes the money to send them to college.
3. Enough money to retire comfortably.
4. Enough money to cover our ass in case of some emergency.
5. A decent home is always a plus. A lot of people care about that, so we'll slap that in.
6. Enough money to take a fucking vacation and have a little fun. Go to the movies. Have some drinks. Share a drifter or two. Normal shit.
7. Enough money to indulge a creative whim or two. The universe encourages creativity. A darkroom, a li'l studio for art or music, some digital camera shit, computer stuff, Batik, y'know? Remember Batik? Hey- great stuff. If you make some stuff that's cool out of some raw materials like yarn or tape or whatever, you go to heaven. Did you know that? Straight to fucking heaven. Straight to Baby Jeezis' right side. You'll be sitting there with Baby Jeezis and Karen Carpenter talking about Batik. Jeezis'll be all like, "yeah, I did some tie-dye shit back in Galilee to take a break from all that carpentry." And Karen Carpenter'll be like, "you're not getting a break from THIS Carpenter, Magic Fingers!" And she'll wrap her bony arms around him and they'll be all making out and stuff and Jeezis will ask you for a rubber. One of those Magnums. It's JEEZIS after all. You know he's packin' heat right there yeah bra. Mary didn't raise no weenie winkie boys no sirrah. He got it from his Dad. You should see what God's packing. Fuck, if you invented the fucking thing you're gonna give yourself the best one, right? Henry Ford didn't drive a goddam Buick Skylark, right?

So anyway, that's about what you need, right? O.K.- I don't want to be judgemental. That's one thing I don't want in my blog. Harsh judgements. EXCEPT FOR RICH FUCKING SCUMBAG SATAN WORSHIPPERS. So, anyway- let's take all those things and times them by two so we're not being judgmental.

Fuck it- let's say you can sock away 5 million in your life. That's fucking generous, right? You're not feeling judged for making software or crunching numbers or having a good business, right? You're all good, down-to-earth folk, right?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. I'M TALKING ABOUT THESE RICH FUCKING BASTARDS. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, YOU FUCKING LEECHES. I SWEAR I COULD KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU AND NOT FEEL THE FAINTEST TWINGE OF GUILT.

When you have more than you can possibly spend in your lifetime and you don't give it ALL to poor people, well, sorry. You're a fucking asshole. You god damned corporateers, if you had a soul you'd give it all away and wear a barrel like one of those old cartoons. ALL OF IT. And DO NOT I repeat DO NOT give me this Bill and Melinda Gates BULLSHIT and expect me to swallow it. If Bill and Melinda want to be really generous they can GIVE IT ALL AWAY and keep a stipend of 50K each a year. That's fucking PLENTY.

Oh, I just CHOKE ON MY FUCKING TONGUE when I think of people buying your Humanitarian shit. Fuck you and shame on you. If you had a soul you'd drive into Appalachia and give every fucking person a million dollars. You'd go to Africa and give them ALL YOUR FUCKING ZILLIONS except enough to keep Microsoft plugging away breaking the fucking law EVERY DAY. You assholes (I was going to call them cocksuckers- oops).

Trump? Branson? Every fucking penny. Pony up, you fucking pigs. You keep 75k, no let's make that 50k a year. Your children are through school. That's plenty, unless you ABSOLUTELY just HAVE to have FRESH INFANT FLESH at every meal. You fuckers. You rotters. Every penny to Tsunamiland. Every penny to Darfour and Zimbabwe. The unemployment rate there is 70%. Every fourth person has AIDS. Pony up you fucking vampires. God damn you. How dare you draw breath, you vampires?

I don't care if you give 100 zillion a year in aid to poor people or what the fuck ever. If YOU still have 666 quintillion what the fuck good is it? What good is it? You fucking leeches. What are you going to do with it? Buy your place in history? Sock some away for when we finally grow balls and roll out the guillotine like the forward-thinking French did 300-odd years ago? It's not going to help, you fucking robber barons.

Do you know how every night when you slide between your luxurious human-skin sheets and blow the flame out on your human fat candle how you wonder if anyone likes you for yourself or just for your money?

It's the money, yo.



 

Oh, you thought I'd run out of amazing records that came out in 1979? You are so adorable- All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part 15

In the late 70's in England, Land of Youth Movements (until about 1979...hmmmm...)there flourished a youth movement called Two-Tone where black kids and white kids made a point of getting together and starting and hanging around with ska and punk bands. This was in reaction to the climate of violent racism that had been on the upswing during the depressed, turbulent 70's.

Bands like The Specials were so completely of their moment, making music that was so of its moment that to hear it was like getting an electric shock from the reality outlet.

What was so great about The Specials? I'm going to tell you what was so great about The Specials. This record. After this they did the daring "More Specials" that delved deeply into irony and calypso and then they just sort of soft-focused out of existence after 1981's "Ghost Town". You have to realize that these guys had like 8 top ten singles in Britain, even though they chose to import the English Beat to this country instead of the Specials. Maybe it was Roddy Radiation's lack of front teeth.

"Specials" had a lot of great things going for it, such as:

1. Being produced by Elvis Costello. That's actually hard for me to picture. Elvis and Jerry Dammers and Terry Hall and Lynval Golding putting their heads together. Nonetheless, it sounds like an awesome band in a hall, you know? Just well-recorded music of the moment. All the seventies muted shit is going away now, the super dry, taped drum kits and the many muffled rooms of the Fleetwood Mac Manor are being replaced by full, ringing timbale-like drums, and bass that makes you have to go to the bathroom. In your pants.

2. The song "Nite Klub". This is a skankerific opera of massive proportions. This is the "Tommy" of ska right here. These guys were living this insane life, touring as openers for The Clash in Europe and Britain. Bernie Rhodes, the Clash's manager, took The Specials on for a while and they refer to him somewhat bitterly in "Gangsters". Anyway, a great, great song.

3. The songs "Doesn't Make It Alright", "Too Much Too Young" "Blank Expression" and perhaps most importantly "Stupid Marriage". "Stupid Marriage" is an incredible indictment of going with the flow and uses the conceit of a trial, complete with the stern Judge Roughneck, to drive its scathing message home.

"Blank Expression" is insane because the lyric actually uses this crazy moment of negative space ("where...did you get...that...---...blank expression on your face?") to illustrate blankness perfectly.

4. The playing. I know we don't expect or need for guys in this genre to be particularly fluid but The Specials are fantastic musicians all over this record. Every instrument weaves seamlessly through the mix yet still has amazing personality. The guitar playing is extremely good, the solos classic and clean. The bass playing is a compositional miracle. Same with drums, organ and horns. The drum tones are wide, wide open as I mentioned and this is maybe the most defining thing sonically about this record.

What a cool album. Raw, immediate, new, gifted with melody from top to bottom.


You really have to stop and think, after a list of 15 completely transcendent records, what 1979 was like. You could literally have a transformative musical experience more than once a month. That in itself is an almost freakish concept in this day and age.


 

That's When I Knew It Was Over 2

When I was a brilliant young songwriter in 1992 I made a bit of a splash with the publishing branch of Island Records in LA. Not enough for anything to actually happen, of course, because nothing ever _really_ happens, but enough for them to want to have me keep sending my brilliant, commercially untenable music to them for their personal collections. You see, they don't listen to any of the shit that they peddle, god forbid.
So, I took a trip out to LA to enhance the personal collections of A&R and publishing people in the summer of '92. The young woman from Island was now with A&M and took a meeting with me at A&M Records on La Brea. Home of The Police and Joe Jackson, dig?
So we're chatting away in her office and she pulls out a lyric sheet from a new A&M record that was to be released in a month. It was "Cop Killer" by Ice T and she was really excited about it. "Groundbreaking," she gushed. "Brave and bold and innovative!"

I got my twelve gauge sawed off
I got my headlights turned off
I'm 'bout to bust some shots off
I'm 'bout to dust some cops off


Cop killer, better you than me
Cop killer, fuck police brutality!
Cop killer, I know your family's grievin'
(fuck 'em)
Cop killer, but tonight we get even


I got my brain on hype
Tonight'll be your night
I got this long-assed knife,
and your neck looks just right.
My adrenaline's pumpin'
I got my stereo bumpin'
I'm 'bout to kill me somethin'
A pig stopped me for nuthin'!




That's when I knew it was over.


 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Fourteen

This is starting to get ridiculous. And another thing- there so many influential women in New Wave. In 1979. Look at my list. Chrissie Hynde, Patti Smith, Debbie Harry, Kate Pierson and that other chick with the beehive. You also had Souxsie Sioux literally inventing Goth with The Banshees, you had the Slits and the Vaselines and Nina Hagen and Sara Lee and Joan Jett and Tina Weymouth.

Etc. etc. etc.

But hey, it was 1979 after all. It wasn't like it was, oh, 2005.

"Rock Lobster", "Planet Claire", "Dance This Mess Around", "There's A Moon In The Sky (It's called the Moon)"; this record didn't skimp on punk genius. These guys were really, really weird when they came out. There's a scene in the Paul Simon movie "One Trick Pony" where he's out on tour with his band, feeling kinda like things are leaving him behind, and the B-52's are the opening band at one point. They are obviously the band of choice because they sort of make Simon's point by being so hilariously bizarre.

"One Trick Pony", The B-52's- It Happened In 1979. Of course. Stuff like that just tended to happen back then.

In 1979. The year of ass-rocking music. Or just the year of ass-rocking in general. You choose.
There sure wasn't any horrible shit like 9/11 which broke this country like a big Japanese wind up toy that gets sprung. Just broke it in pieces. Don't tell me you can't see. Hey, it didn't used to be neighbor against neighbor. Now everybody's got all their beliefs on the backs of their cars and we're amazingly divided. These fucking terrorists haven't attacked us again why? Because our security is so great? Hah!

Because they don't NEED to, man. They snapped this place in two like a fucking twig. If they hit us again we'd just crumble into disunified armed states and have a crazy multi-sided civil war that basically never ends and they wouldn't have anybody to fuck with. And Monsanto and WalMart and the World Bank and Microsoft and Time Warner and Exxon would become the new countries that would arise out of the rubble, and ladies and gentlemen if you think this place is just a tad bankrupt right now ohhhh, just you wait. We're talking Iron Curtain coming down chaos. We're talking corporateering with paid armies and all manner of ozone-burning fuckery. For years and years.

But hey, there's no need to worry about that now. And there sure as hell wasn't anybody worrying too much in 1979 when "The B-52's" came out. No sirree. 1979 just wasn't like that. It was, like, good.

 

That's When I Knew It Was Over

The Sunset Strip. Hollywood. Saturday night. July 2000. We're playing a hard-won semi-residency at The Crooked Bar, a little spot located precisely at the most heavily travelled spot on the Strip. Boy, what an accomplishment after a hard campaign. This could be our break, right here. We've been out of our record deal for a couple of months and our new young drummer Paul Courtois is really, really great. fiction is coming into its own; we've just done an album called "the eerie blue martian sunset" that is very modern and really rocks. We've just started to play LA a lot and it's gone great, we've gotten a great review in the Music Connection for a show we did for 200 people at The Mint. We've inked with a San Diego online label called Spin Records that will fund a lot of promotion if you really hammer them. These guys will disappear in the night about 5 months hence, taking the stock of 40 bands with them.

So, we're playing and every minute about 200 people are walking by the door.

And not one comes in. Not one single person. We're playing for the soundman and the bartender on a Saturday night on the Fantastic Sunset Strip. And we're really good.

That's when I knew it was over.



 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Thirteen!

Betcha didn't know that Squeeze's brilliant, classic album "Cool For Cats" came out in that fateful year of, you guessed it, 1979. Containing so many classic, simple, chewy songs it was ridiculous, songs like "Up The Junction" "Goodbye Girl" and "Slap And Tickle", this album was about the best thing since, well, whatever fucking CLASSIC album came out five minutes before or after it.

Unlike NOW where you get a decent record maybe once a year. Actually, I take that back. Classics are being made in garages and basements all over the fucking world but they'll never be released because the people making them aren't perfect physical specimens or 19 years old or don't have huge, scary, balloonlike Frankentits. Fake tits there's always this scar around the aereola where they hacked off the nipple and threw it in a jar of pickled eggs while they pumped the victim's chest with slaughterhouse castoffs not fit for franks through the little vacant aereolahole (sp?). Then they sew the fucking nipple back on. Badly. Sometimes they get the right and left mixed up. Hey, who gives a fuck, right?

Squeeze? Not a balloonlike tit among them. Not one. All Grade-A natural prime pale pasty British flesh, yessir. Like musicians are supposed to be.

What can I say? 1979. Cool For Cats, yes, indeed.


 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Twelve

Home of the rock anthem classics "Love Reign Oe'er Me" and "The Real Me", The Who's Quadrophenia was all the rage in 1979. That is, when you could take your headphones off long enough to put it on because there's so much great music that you can't stop listening and you start to go hungry and you start eating paint chips because otherwise you'd have to stop listening to all that great 1979 music and you'd have to go out and get a hoagie. A Hoagie. You'd have to jump on out for a few to catch a Hoagie. And some pierogi. And a tall, cool hiball glass full of rendered shoe polish 'cause eatin' a Hoagie gonna give you a powderful thirst lemme tell you right now Sunny Jimm with your Hoagieeeee

See, THAT is what I blog for.
That is just mental. I mean, what is my problem? What is wrong with me that I would write that? Oh- I know- it's just a touch of 1979 ROCKED LIKE NO OTHER sickness. It'll pass. Yeah, there... see? I'm fine now.

All I had to do was turn on VH1 for a second.

 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Eleven

Unbelievable as it is, Patti Smith's rich, intoxicating farewell to the '70's was released in, um, 1979. Not only did this have "Dancing Barefoot" (covered wierdly by U2 in '96) and her sneering, punk rock cover of "So You Want To Be A Rock 'N' Roll Star" but it was produced by Todd Rundgren which is really crazy if you're up on this shit.

When I heard this record as a stripling I had to throw out all the party line garbage you're taught about women and who they are. This chick was just utterly scary. She was kind of unattractive but powerfully, consistently dirty. Just down-right filthy. Man, was that hot. I'm sorry- men of today- I forgot you can't appreciate a woman that doesn't have hideous bolt-on Frankentits and a face like a starving kewpie doll. You can't hang with a woman who doesn't exist for the sole purpose of looking good for your fucking sorry ass. You can't deal with a chick who would rather spin brilliant, frightening, apocalyptic songs than pluck her eyebrows. You'd have sex with her and you'd be a wrung-out, pathetic, sweat-soaked dishrag, sobbing in the corner and she'd be like, "What? What do you mean you can't do it anymore? What, are you from 2005 or something?" Riddle me this, Kimosabe- why do they have Viagra now and they didn't in 1979? Because they didn't NEED it in 1979. Because men weren't drinking shit water tainted with Impotron stuck in there by the fucking DRUG companies so everybody will be limp and need their precious shitty chemicals. Not that women are that interested anyway- they all wish they could have 1979 men. Men who didn't skulk in cubicles and drink their own piss so they'd have six pack abs. Men who didn't jack off to palm pilots and NASCAR and shitty, vapid sluts like Pamela Anderson and cruddy shit music like Usher and his assorted faggotry.

But hey, that was 1979. The year of strong, filthy women. Try that Patti Smith shit now the Cundamentalists would have you up in fronna Jeb Bush faster than you can say Pat Robertson. Get your pretty self outta line like that hairy-pitted Patti Smith now you'd lose your Endorsements faster than you can say wardrobe malfunction.

Yeah, right. If Patti Smith came out in 2005 she'd get a record deal. Sure. 2005: The Year Of Patti Smith Coming Out And Not Being Able To Be Arrested Because Everyone's Dead From the Neck Up. The only way Patti Smith could be famous in 2005 is if she lost 10 pounds on the NutraFuck Diet or ate worms on a fucking REALITY show. Or maybe she could do "Pissing In A River" on American Idol. Great! Simon would break down in tears like the pathetic, weasly little shitbag that he is. He just wouldn't be able to handle it. Patti would be up there doing "Piss Factory" and Simon would be wailing and sobbing and Paula would be throwing up on her shitty, crappy couture and that fat asshole whatever his name is that played bass for ultra-pussy band Journey would be trying to hold his head on as it tried to spin around in circles. God, I wish that could happen and then that show would finally end because they'd all be dead from overexposure to REALNESS. They'd melt like the fucking Witch in The Wizard Of Oz because they wouldn't be able to handle the exposure to something as real as Patti Smith and that would be that.

Then the three of them would be all braindead and we could have a national debate for a month about what to do with the feeding tube while we torture people and take away old people's retirement money and spew shit into the atmosphere at an amazing rate or anyone being able to PULL THEIR FUCKING EYES AWAY FROM REALITY CANCER WARD FOR LONG ENOUGH TO FUCKING REALIZE THEY'RE BEING DUPED. DUPED! DUPED BY IDIOTS!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK BABY JEEZIS MADE THE WORLD IN 1874!!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK ASSLEACH SIMPSON DESERVES YOUR TIME AND MONEY!!!! DUPED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE AMERICA IS FUCKIN' A NUMBER ONE FUCK YEAH! AND DON'T CHEW FERGIT IT ER ELTSE!!! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE YOU??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! JESUS CHRIST! GET OFF THE GRID!!!! GET OFF THE FUCKING GRID BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU AND YOU WAKE UP ONE MORNING WITH A LIMP-ON AND PISS ALL OVER THE SHEETS THINKING THAT DARWIN WAS WRONG!!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK T.V. IS DOING TO YOU? DOING TO YOUR CHILDREN?? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO FUCKING HAPPEN! YOUR BOYCHILDREN DON'T HAVE TO READ ABOUT HOW MEN USED TO HAVE HARD ONS!!!! WITH ALL THE MEDIA YOU'VE FORGOTTEN IT EXISTS TO IMPART A MESSAGE, YOU STUPIDS!!!! IT'S HAPPENING FASTER AND FASTER, EVERY DAY!!! IT'S HAPPENING NOW!!!! IT'S INVASION OF THE FUCKING BODY SNATCHERS TIME!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY PEOPLE, TO MY AMERICA?????? YOU ALL FUCKING SOLD OUT FOR A FUCKING SUV!!! FUCK YOU!!!! WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN YOU PEOPLE!!!! AND NOW YOU'RE "IN MARKETING". NOW YOU'RE "IN MARKETING". MARKETING WHAT? SHIT? PUS? DRUGS? NOW YOU'RE A SHIT BAG!!! NOW YOU'RE A FUCKING JANITOR MOPPING UP CUM AND SNOT AND PUKE AND JIZZ OFF THE SIDE OF THE INFOTAINTMENT STUPORHIGHWAY!!!!! AND YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT PRETTY GOOD, HUH? GONNA HAVE A L'IL FAMILY??? GET A L'IL FAMILY GOIN'?? HEY, IT'S THE AMUUURICAN DREAM, Y'KNOW? RAISE A COUPLE KIDS AND PLUG THEM INTO THE BIG SHIT MACHINE??? AND TELL EVERYONE HOW DEVOOOOOOOTED YOU ARE TO THE CHILDREN. IT'S AAAAALLLLL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN ARE EEEEEEVRYTHING. WE'RE COMPLETELY SUBSUMED IN THE RAISING OF OUR CHILLLLLLDREN. WE DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE EXCEPT AS SERVANTS TO THE CHIIIIIIILDREN. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO STOP TRYING. A GREAT WAY TO NOT HAVE TO CARE ANYMORE. GREAT EXCUSE TO STOP BEING CREATIVE OR SENSUAL OR INQUISITIVE OR ANGRY OR ANYTHING. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO FILL THAT HOLE. THAT BIG HOLE IN YOUR STOMACH WHERE ALL THE TEARS GO. THE TEARS THAT CAN'T COME OUT YOUR EYES ANYMORE BECAUSE THE CHILLLLLLDREN WILL SEE AND WE DON'T WANT TO UPSETTTTT THE CHILDDDDDRENNNNN. WHILE YOU FEED THEM SHIT AND READ THEM SHIT AND TEACH THEM SHIT AND PREPARE THEM TO BE CANNON FODDER AND CORPORATEERS FOR THE JEEZIS ALIENS IF THEY'RE REAAAALLLLY LUCKY BUT YOU'RE SO DEVOOOOOOOOTED TO THEM. WE AMERICANS LOVE OUR CHILDREN MOOOOOOOORE THAN THOSE FILTHY FRENCH AND THOSE PUSSY SWEDES AND THOSE LITTLE DARK TSUNAMI PEOPLE THANK GOD FOR THEM THAT WE COULD ALL RUSH TO THEIR AID LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING PETTING ZOO WHILE 1 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE IN FUCKING AFRICA HAS AIDS AND WE CAN MAKE POIGNANT, HEART RENDING MOVIES ABOUT RWANDA AND CASH IN BIG ON THE FACT THAT WE STOOD AROUND WITH OUR THUMBS UP OUR ASSES WHILE A MILLION PEOPLE WERE HACKED TO DEATH. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO??????????? FUCK, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE FUCKING RWANDA WAS. I WAS TOO BUSY WITH MY CAREEEEEER AND MY LOOOOOOVE LIFE. I WAS TRYING TO FUUUURTHER MY CAREEEEER. YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO COME OFF INNOCENT? YA THINK? THE ONLY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ME AND THE AVERAGE NEOCON ARE THAT I ADMIT TO GOING THROUGH AN ABORTION AND I DON'T HAVE A TASTE FOR INFANT FLESH AND ALL MY FAVORITE RECORDS CAME OUT IN 1979 AND NOT 1843.

shame on you. shame on me. shame on all of us for being so stupid and letting the wolves get in at night and eat our families and for letting the pod people into the white house so the Jeezis Aliens can take over and make a world where Patti Smith couldn't DREAM of releasing a fucking record.

You know what I call your culture? I call it a Suck Culture. A SUCK Culture. You guys havin' fun living in the SUCK Culture? How's it going for you all out there what with everything SUCKING and all? What's that you say? The Forecast Calls For Suck? You're going to church on Suckday? A few more grand and you'll be a Suckcess?

1979: The year of Patti Smith's immortal "Wave". A moment of silence please for this work of profound bravery and hard, ugly, hot rockingness.

"Frankentits". That's funny. Have I heard that before or did I coin it? Wait- don't respond. I don't want anyone from the SUCK Culture on my blog. Just stay in your own SUCK blog, and you can write about how great Grockster is and how hard Gwen Stefani rocks on her new advertisement I mean record. Actually- here's the deal- if you know the answer to the secret question you can come on my blog. Here's the question- what year was it that all the GOOD records came out? I'll give you a hint- it sure as Christ ain't this REALITYFUNDAMENTALISTBUSHBOTOXHIPHOPCELLPHONETHE O.C.CRAPPYEVERYTHING year. I'll tell you THAT much right now, ducky. These days a record like this wouldn't get outta the basement. Believe me- I know. I ALMOST sucked enough to be succesful in music. ALMOST. Oh, if I just could have brought myself to suck a little more. I'm allowed to be this angry because I'M DOOMED. FUCKING DOOMED. Like PATTI SMITH. BUT NOT AS COOL AND NOT AS UGLY AND HOT.

And I never got to write "Rock and Roll Nigger".

But hey, it's not like it's 1979 or anything.







 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Ten

Graham Parker! Another ridiculously good album. You know what is great about this guy? HE'S A GENIUS. That's what's great about Graham Parker. Y'know, they say everybody has one special thing. Graham Parker's special thing? Being an UTTER GENIUS. "Squeezing Out Sparks"- 1979, baby. A good album almost always has a cohesive sound from top to bottom that you can identify- on "Squeezing Out Sparks" that is the SOUND OF GENIUS. This guy was the Chairman of Pub Rock, right here, sonny. This guy was to Pub Rock what Hitler was to the Third Reich, what Eisner was to Disney, what Little Richard was to early awesome gay-ass rock.

I'm telling you- just ask Graham. He'll fill you in. Guy's incapable of delusions. Guy's like a BATTLESHIP. Guy's on top of his game. He'll be like, "1979 and great music go together like crystal meth and paper clips." He'll be all, "that was the year that I made 'Squeezing Out Sparks'."

And then he'll tip his hat and say something that you don't quite get but you know it's awesome.

Why? I dunno. Probably the whole 1979-kicking-ass thing coming into play.

1979- the year of good-ass music. 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Nine

The Ramones- "It's Alive". This was a double-album on Sire and I had a Portuguese pressing and the vinyl was like, an inch thick. This is so much better than their studio albums because A) the production of their studio albums is notoriously wimpy and B) all the songs were on this record anyway. All of them. Dozens and dozens. Done harder and faster and louder than the originals by a factor of 12.6576. And at the top of EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is Joey going "ONE-DUH-THEE-FOH". "ONE-DUH-THEE-FOH!!!!!" 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Eight

THE TALKING HEADS!!!!!! FEAR OF FUCKING MUSIC!!!! 1979!!! 1979!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???? WHAT IS UP WITH 1979???? This album RULES!!!! This album is White Protofunk Guitar Heaven!!!! This record is probably more influential than any other in HISTORY.  

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Eight

I had this on cassette and I used to ride my bike with a little mono boombox in the basket. This would be in Bad Godesberg, Germany. I remember listening to "Die Young Stay Pretty" when I rode down this hill and wiped out. But it was 1979 so everything was O.K. In 1979 I was safe, and the records that came out were amazing.  

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Seven

Holy shit! Look what else came out in 1979!! Elvis Costello's "Armed Forces"!! Holy Embarrasment of Riches!! My copy had elephants on the cover and contained the utter classics "Sunday's Best", "Oliver's Army" and "Accidents Will Happen"! Phew! See, I thought every year would be like this!! 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Six

Power pop introduced one of its most all-time brilliant performers when Joe Jackson released his lean, hook-drenched classic "Look Sharp" in 1979. Do you have any idea what was on this record? This record had more hits than a domestic dispute at the De La Joya residence. We're talking "Look Sharp", "Is She Really Going Out With Him", "Fools In Love". We're talking "Baby Stick Around". We're talking "ONE MORE TIME". Jesus Christ! 1979, y'all. Props to the mad rekkids of '79, yo.
Oh, and all you kids with your hip hop? Hip hop was OLD in 1979. Hip hop was a lame FAD that came and went while all this GREAT MUSIC was being made. Hip hop was so old, so lame, so done, that white people were putting raps on their albums already. But hey, that's no fault of hip hop. Hip hop can't be blamed for the fact that it is a creatively bankrupt art form, y'know wh'am saying? That by definition it is a music that crawls up its own ass and says nothing of any value. That without misogyny and violence and guns and murder it has no function at all except to introduce kids to "Funky Drummer" by stealing from James Brown. That a generation of black entertainers have disappeared from the white radar screen (except for stupid high school boys with their pants down low) and made white people think that all black people are useless, violent gangbangers who value nothing but jewelry and cars and guns. Don't blame hip hop for being the cleverest marketing scam of entertainment history, completely co-opted by white or Japanese for christ's sake record label scumbags. Oh, yeah- that's some rebellious shit right there, yo. Word, yo.  

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Five

There must have been something in the water in the magic year of 1979. That's when London Calling came out (just barely) on the 14th of December, a week before my 15th birthday. God, was I lucky. What can kids rebel to today? Jay Z? Justin Timberlake? Nellie? Maybe someday I'll do a "all the worst records came out in 2005" list. 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Four

The first of Roxy Music's Tryptich Of Genius that also gave us the much-maligned Flesh + Blood and Avalon. Maligned by FAGS!

The only way to measure the sheer beauty, mystery and genius of this record is in light years. 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Three

This modern masterpiece makes its second appearance in these hallowed pages. That's how good it was when it came out.

The Police and "Reggatta De Blanc" in particular were one of the last entities in rock and roll to be able to bring an incredible amount of chops to the table and make incredible, simple music with it.

Let me tell you just how good this record is: fully one third of it is awful, and it's still one of the best records of all time. That's pretty good. And that is a formula that the Police would mine to their dying day; 1/3 bad, 2/3 completely transcendent.

That's funny- it's kind of like the band itself. I never realized that.

As long as I'm on the topic, can I tell you the other main reason why the Police were one of the best bands in history? Stewart Copeland. When this guy plays drums the excitement level goes through the ceiling. This guy is one exciting motherfucking drummer. And he turns all the rules on their head and still grooves like a Rotary Wankel. Jesus Christ is this guy a musician. Stewart Copeland can hit the hihat once and you know it's Stewart Copeland. The only drummers in the last 25 years to even be worthy of licking his toejam are Dave Grohl, that Hawkins guy from the Foos and Eric Kretz from STP. And Bill Bruford is in there too, when his face isn't buried in some pillow.

The year that "Reggatta De Blanc" came out, the mean global temperature dropped by three degrees it was so cool. Gee, what year was that?

1979.
 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part Two

Goodness gracious. XTC released "Drums And Wires" in 1979 and singlehandedly defined how pop music would be produced for the next ten years. 

All of my favorite records came out in 1979 Part One

What a masterpiece. I was scared to death of Chrissie Hynde and I was in awe of the guitar tones and playing exhibited by her and lead player James Honeyman Scott. When I was a kid this record made me marvel at just how hard the human animal can rock.

Released in '79. When music was really, really good. 

Bobby Lightfoot considers this obscurity in a one-sentence review.

I've always been taken slightly aback that the best record of the 20th century could have such an ugly cover. 

Let Us Now Consider The Vagaries Of The Nation State.

And then let us lean slightly to one side in our chair and let Dame Physics do her wonderful work.

A Painless Procedure

Let us all take a moment to wish Neddie Jingo at byneddiejingo.blogspot.com a swift and Demerol-soaked recovery from his penis reduction surgery.

Would that this entry could have been logged in a timely manner but the blogospere seems to have BEEN FUCKING BROKEN YEASTERDAY. HA! YEASTERDAY! MAN, IS THAT STUPID.

 

In Gratitude.

Tonight was rehearsal night for one of my many brilliant combos and it was held at Dave Fredenburg's warehouse. We ripped into the truly fantastic "Baba O'Reilly" by the Who and right where the three-chord windmill starts to kick in I bit down on a particularly sweet and juicy piece of Easter gum. In that moment the little black Cloud that has lived over my head for five years dissolved into the air and the sun shone the way it does after a spring shower. I felt such a burst of love for everyone in my life and such a wave of sympathy and understanding for my own sorry brutalized psyche that it was as if some higher being had waved a hand over my grave and banished the demons for an instant.
And I thought about the pain I've endured in my attempts to be noteworthy, and I thought about my long, slow fall, and I thought about the people who sought in vain to catch me as I sped past them. And I thought about how it feels to live so far away from the sun, so in thrall to my own trajectory, so eager to barrel through to the end and rest, rest, rest.
And in that moment, right in that F-C-Bb universe, right before The Cloud reintegrated and the rain picked up, I experienced something akin to being able to take a deep breath as if something huge sitting on my chest had shifted position. And I'm holding it now, and I think I can hold it for a while. Maybe until the next Baba O'Reilly. Maybe until Spring. And I realized that most other people probably live that way a lot of the time, in the sun, and maybe I could too if I took a little care of myself and helped myself to a little something sweet and chewy. Like other people do.
Is that what people do? Do they line up sweets along the way? Because I think I could do that if I had Permission. I think I could.
See, I never lived that way. I've always been a thing that I throw at the world. And I don't know what one does.
Do you know that a person can just sort of lack a talent for living? I think it's an aptitude like playing trombone. Isn't that weird to think of? Is that what depression is? Losing the talent for living? Is there a class somewhere, like in those magazines? Draw a well-lived life and win a prize?
Anyway, thanks to Pete and John and Roger and Keith.